The Crows Have Landed

Yeah! I have crows! I saw them today in the back yard. Of course they were fighting off some of the other birds. I believe they were Starlings. It’s kind of funny though. Here I was struggling for my identity and sense of self and then… When I made up my mind to take charge, actually made an effort to be actively involved again with my spirituality, they showed up. Coincidence? You be the judge. I decided to clear my chakras, something I haven’t done for a while. I also purchased some meditation music that I used to use, but I had lost the CD. Now I have it again. Anyway, I also did a cleansing on the house and buried that cursed ring in some sea salt. The cursed ring is another story for another day, suffice to say, I no longer wear it, nor will I ever wear it again, I should have known better. So, here I am, all house cleansed and feeling better. My bestest friends took me away this past weekend for a long needed retreat. That is definitely a story I need to tell…so much fun and mystery, but most of all a much needed reminder that I have the most wonderful people in my life who love and care about me. This is a gift that when given should never be forgotten or taken for granted. Thank you my friends. I love you all dearly. So, all of this went on within the last two weeks. I felt as if I was able to reclaim a bit of me and this morning…CROWS! And to top it off, I think I did ok on my midterms today. This has been a short entry with lots of info that needs to be expanded on, but I must rush off, many things to do. I just wanted to write something since it had been a while, and try to catch people up at least somewhat. Now that midterms are over, I hope to have time to delve into the deeper aspects of my adventures soon.

The Connection Becomes Clearer

Well, the hawk has apparently come home to roost. I’ve been told by a very dear friend that I have, in fact, given up myself and submitted to living as the hawk deems fit. Hmm, not exactly what one wants to hear, but nonetheless, something I’ve been suspecting. It became very clear when a few days after my post on Sparrows, Hawks and Crows; I walked out in my back yard and saw the hawk proudly perched on my fence. I knew that nature was teaching me, it always does. Then, the confirmation within the material world; and here I am, no crow to call my own.
It’s so hard to get back on track though. I have no where, no where at all to go in this stinking city to reconnect. I can’t stand it; and on top of that I lose my ability to trust my judgment. I feel trapped, so how do I know whether the direction I chose is the right way? If I flee in the wrong direction, life could become even worse. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to letting life take its course. In fact, that’s how I live; but here in this case, I’m completely cut off from the energies of the natural world that normally allow me to remain in the proper flow no matter which way I choose. Is this all very confusing, sorry if it is. I know I sound nuts, but really, well…sometimes I guess I could be, but not here when it comes to this. I’ve been cut off before and believe me it’s not a pretty sight. Things go perpetually into a downward spiral. I guess I could operate on the logic of, if I take no action, I’ll be stuck forever…true; but what I want, and what I need, honestly, is to reconnect. I need to be back into the rhythms of nature. So there’s my dilemma. How do I reconnect when there’s no place around to reconnect with? I’m not exactly in a position to go somewhere else at the moment. I need my crow.
Ok, so I suppose upon proof reading what I wrote so far that there’s a message to myself coming through loud and clear here, “I knew that nature was teaching me.” I think this tells me that I’m not completely cut off right? I mean I must be getting something. I still have no place to go and dance naked under the moon. I still have no place to go and listen to the trees. I mean lets face it; I’d be in jail or the psyche ward in less than an hour if I tried something like that in the middle of this god/goddess forsaken city. With my increased awareness though comes an increased ability to alter the situation, right? I don’t want to give up my life that I’ve come to love. I don’t want to give up on those that I love. I need to go back though. I need to find myself and trust my direction like I used to and I don’t know if I can do that when the hawk is pulling so hard for a direction that seems completely unnatural to me. It doesn’t feel safe and my instinct tells me I’m flying into danger, but how can I just fly the other direction and leave the sparrows to their fate? I love the little birds, someone has to.

Poetry Post

So, I mentioned that I would post some of my writing soon. Here are a couple pieces of poetry that I’ve done. The first one I began working on the other day. This is a first draft and so it will change, I’m quite sure, before the final revision. If anyone has some constructive criticism to offer, I’d love to hear from you. The second is a piece that I’m hoping to have published in the Analecta (Our college undergrad art magazine) this spring.

It’s All in a Dream

Car wreck
It didn’t want to fit
up over the curb
and through the trees
I need a jump

Jonny to my rescue
adoring his Christ image
poised for the crucifix
The gratitude his and mine
felacio on my knees

Over my head two hands
appear, two index fingers
strike their way in through
his nipples, sucking the pleasure,
The force of release from him

Flee, the threat has found you
Across the lacquered boards of the gym floor
Avoid the glass security cage
You fool. Bound over the ropes
Freedom awakes.


Labyrinth - (Our Club in Detroit)

Down the dark stairs into the
safety below; punks, rivet heads,
romantics, elder goths, technos,
industrials and fetish goths swirl
in a sea of black hair and
undulating bodies.

In the shadowed corners candle
wax molds itself to table tops.
Cigarettes spill over ashtrays
soaking up the liquor of half
empty glasses. Black glitter covered walls
dance to the beat of flickering light.

Essence is created in movement
as bodies coast through conversation,
minds benumbed by the sound that
each creature experiences
in their own way,
but comprehends
as an archetypal knowledge.

All know, that here is where they belong.
The existence of a familiar compassion
lingers in the air. The lies within the truth
are exemplified. Death and darkness, mourning for
man’s inhumanity to man are necessary if
we yearn for light.

A culture like no other, shedding intolerance
like old paint. Liberation is the manifestation
of the art,
and it is an art,
all of it.
Caressing the mind with lover’s hands
as the soil swaddles the seed
whispering to it - that it should grow.

Observe the dance as the soul masters
the elegance of gothic beauty
with no intrusion
into another body’s space
yet
boys and ghouls develop into a faction
swallowing all in a corporeal transcendence.

Night lingers in every place but one -
where the glaring lights of the ghoul’s room
contracts the pupils. Instinctively
hands shield faces like vampires in the sun.
Gangs of Dresden Dolls
fix their black lips and eyes
at the reflecting station
because we do reflect. Despite the rumors.

The solace of affinity pulsates like
blood through the veins when you
return to the dark – a peaceful descent
to the tomb. Covenant’s “Deadstars” calls
the body and mind back
into the sanctuary –
where Carpe Mortem is branded
on everyone’s heart.

Blogs and the Weather - No Connection

So it has occurred to me that in my interests I mentioned that liked to write but I have yet to post anything that I’ve written in a creative type manor, such as poetry and the like. Well, I suppose I’ll post some of it soon enough, but for now I’m exploring the blog writing genre. Speaking of blog writers, I joined a group online call MyBlogLog, has anyone else heard of it? I think I like it, it gives stats about your blog; how many times it’s viewed, what was clicked on and other such details. It also allows you to build this sort of blog base of contacts which allows one to not only view other peoples' blogs, but also puts your info out there for more exposure (judging from the hits on my site so far, I hope it helps).
I still feel very inept however, when it comes to putting things up on either site. I’m definitely not a techie when it comes to this stuff, maybe I’ll figure it out eventually. I’d like to make this site a bit more visually stimulating. Any suggestions would surely be welcome. I’ve seen some really neat stuff on some people’s blogs. One thing though, I’ve never been big on coding so if you have suggestions, please keep it simple for me. I have enough things in my life to cause me stress without intentionally adding to it.

On a different note, it’s Ground Hog’s Day, yippie! Ok, it doesn’t really matter that much to me. In fact, the main reason I bring it up is because the news stated that Phil says that we will have any early Spring. I’m thinking we haven’t really had a winter, so…go figure. This is the first week since last winter that the temperature has fallen below zero, and this is an area where below zero temps are considered usual during winter. Global warming? I don’t know, but I do know that it’s unusual. It seems to me that the seasons have been shifting over the past several years. I mean that they seem to be falling behind schedule. Instead of having spring from March through May, we seem to have it now from April through June and so everything follows, which ends up pushing winter from December through February into January through March. Taking this into account winter has really just started and I would expect that it gets colder before it begins to get warmer. Maybe the calendar is off. Seriously. I remember that at one point they (who ever, they, were at the time) had to literally erase days from the calendar in order to keep it accurate. I think that was part of the reason why we switched from the one to the current. I can never remember which one was/is which; i.e. Georgian and Julian. I know we use one now and the other was used just prior to this one. Anyway, maybe we should adopt the Mayan calendar. In over 2000 years it’s only lost 4 days. I think that could be considered reliable. Until then I guess I’ll just have to keep a mental note that spring is really winter and summer is really spring, and fall is really summer, and summer is really fall, it’s all very confusing. My brain hurts, I’ll have to sort more of this out later.

Of Sparrows, Hawks and Crows

Ok, so I’ve been at home a lot this week. I’m sick again. I had an attack of Pleurisy a week and a half ago and well, I guess I pushed myself to hard, too soon, and here I am sick again. Feeling like I wish I could just die and get it over with. I lay around suffering, too dizzy in the head to be able to concentrate on anything other than a brainless drivel of DVDs. Reading Milton (my assignment for one of my classes) yeah, not happening. Every time I open the book the page goes all blurry on me. Just sitting here at the computer is giving me a headache, so why am I writing? Well, fate…destiny…just a really freaky life and death experience. I’m sure there’s a reason but for what I understand, it has to do with a hawk, a sparrow, and some crows.
I have a bird feeder in my back yard, it’s frequented by sparrows. They hang around all day long and despite the ally cats that stalk them now and then, they seem to be quite comfortable here. When I go out into the back yard they just fly over to the fence and wait until I’m out of the way before returning to the feeder. They seem to be used to me. There are also about four squirrels that have figured out how to get a free meal by hanging upside down from the fence and eating out of the little openings of the feeder, but I digress. I’ve been trying to draw some crows into the yard. At my old house I had a murder of crows that would sit right outside my bedroom window and wait for me to bring them food. They wouldn’t fly away from me either, they were really cool, of course when they got hungry at 6 in the morning and began cawing into my bedroom window it got a bit annoying, but for the most part I really enjoyed them. Anyway, I should probably note here that my totem has been the crow for a very long time now. If you don’t know what a totem is, then you may as well give it up now because the rest of this story probably won’t make much sense, so…Crow, my totem. About six years ago I met and fell in love with my current man, it was instantaneous, and I fell hard and fast, as I believe he did too. It’s actually a very romantic and not an every day type of story. Perhaps I’ll share it at some time, but not today. Today, we discuss sparrows, and crows, and hawks, right. Ok, so I had these beautiful crows that would frequent my abode (this is the one in the middle of the woods) and after my man moves in they stop hanging around as much. It wasn’t that he was doing anything to them, they just felt they had to keep there distance from him. Later I find out that his totem is the hawk, has been for many, many years. So, go figure, hawks and crows are enemies. Where one frequents the other avoids. I begin to suspect what happened to my crows. Time moves on, we move into the city, where of course, my man feels quite at home but where I struggle horribly to feel any sense of earth around me…hence, the bird feeder. So, as I said I’ve been trying to lure some crows into the yard, they roost during the winter months in an area not too far from here, but I have so far been unable to get them into the yard proper. Now the other day I spy a hawk in a tree in our front yard, yes a hawk, in the city, at the house where my man feels very comfortable and yes, where no crows will frequent. I think “Oh, pretty hawk” and I tell the kids to check it out. Even though I think crows are much cooler, I still admire the majesty of the hawk. Getting to the point here. The whole underlying totem and spiritual meanings and fate stuff is getting through, right? Ok, so today I’m looking out my kitchen window watching the sparrows feed. They’re busily flying back and forth from the chain link fence to the bird feeder. I’m watching several of them perched in the little holes of the chain link when, oh my god! These huge hawk wings appear out of no where and these hawk talons reach out and snatch a sparrow from the fence, just like that. Freakin wicked! Nature at its most real. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t hold any ill will against the hawk, he’s doing what hawks do and I understand that. The question is, where are the crows? Have they lost they’re ability to rule the roost? Do they no longer have domain because the hawk has nested? And what if the crows can be brought back around, what then? It seems odd that the crows were more at home in the woods and the hawk seems to be at home in the city, but as the man and woman is concerned the woods fit the woman and the city the man. I see a connection, I feel the earth singing to me, and I hear the totems telling me their tales. So what happens now? It seems to me that life has always opened itself up in this way. Nature has always spoken to me like this and I know there’s a story here for me, so I’ll watch my sparrows, and I’ll watch the hawk, and because I cannot be disconnected, I will continue to call back the crows and then, the story will unfold.

The Animal Connection

Well, I finally figured out how to get my picture up. I’ve been going crazy trying to use that “Hello” and “Picasa” stuff, following all the “help” suggestions and going completely insane in the process…but…I discovered that what works really well is just my own common sense, yep, I’m good *wink*
So, now that that’s out of the way, I feel like I may be able to write some, not that anyone is really going to see this stuff though, are they? I mean there doesn’t seem to be much feedback as of this moment; a whole 0 comments and all. That’s ok I guess, since the blog hasn’t been around that long. It would be nice though to see that change.
Did I mention that I’m a black cat magnet? I swear something is up with that. Everywhere I have ever lived, there are black cats drawn to my house. I love cats, don’t get me wrong here, and I love seeing the black cats frequent my yard. It just seems sort of odd that they always show up. Maybe they smell the two black cats I have indoors. But then again I had the whole black cat in the yard syndrome long before I had the black cats in the house thing going on. I guess that wouldn’t explain it then. Anyway, last night I looked out my kitchen window and saw two black cats slinking around in the back yard. I’ve seen them before but it’s just neat to watch them. They’re in their mode and completely oblivious that I’m seeing them. I watch as they trot up the cement stairs that leads to the ally gate. One stops and hutches up his back on top of his curled under legs. He just lays there for a moment comprehending that the gate is closed and he won’t be able to get through that way tonight. The other cat seems preoccupied with herself, she investigates the side of the garage, perhaps thinking that it would be a nice, warm place to spend the evening, but she passes the thought off quickly when the first cat suddenly springs and rushes back toward the front gate, the way they came in, as if he realized within a half of a second that, “Hey! There’s another out. I don’t have to sit and wait here all night” She rushes after him limping on her injured hind leg. I wish that I could comfort her. I’d like to be able to care for them, give them a home like my kitties have. Of course though, if I did that I’d become the infamous “cat lady”. I don’t know, it really sucks though. I feel for them, every now and then I’ll set food out for them; try to brighten their day. I want to return to them some of the joy and pleasure that they’ve given me, just by being. Ok…so sap time is over, and I should mention that I have a third cat he’s actually the eldest, but he’s not black, he’s an orange tabby and a complete cuddle bug. I just couldn’t go without mention of him too; and yes, I know that I’m well on my way to becoming the infamous “cat lady”, but I won’t be, not really. There are too many other animals to look after as well. I feed the birds, sparrows, crackles, and carrions (gotta love the crows), at my old house (in the woods) I also had 4 dogs, a family of raccoons that would come up to my back door and eat off the porch, a few opossums, several bats, some kind of web-footed, long-billed water bird that made the oddest sounds, more spiders than you could shake a stick at (what the hell does that mean anyway), and for a brief period a wolverine (seriously), it clawed its way through our metal shed, it was wicked. So, did I mention that I liked animals?

Still Learning & Game Night

Ok, so I still haven't figured out how to load a picture into my profile, makes me feel rather dumb. I thought I followed all the directions, but it didn't work. Oh well, I'm tired of messing with it, so for now I'll do without.
Did you hear the latest? Hilary is running for president. Let me just say "Yes!" total excitement.
On a different note, our game went well last night (D&D). We have one here every Saturday, although there are actually 2 games; 1 is played 1 week , and the other on the off weekends. In the one we played last night I play a cleric of Chauntea (Forgotten Realms, think Mother Earth). I came out ok, however, we had to go and find a monastery for some of the other party members as their injuries were beyond my ability to heal. Our dwarf lost an arm due to undead Orc attack, and our halfling and Brauch (we haven't quite figured out what he is yet) were touched by a ghost and lost massive wisdom. I'm only a level 4 in this game so, yeah...healing on that scale, not happening. This game is also a very low money and low magic, so the challenges are, well, challenging.
The off night game rocks as well, but it's much different than this one. Although I'm playing a cleric in it too; which by the way, is actually really far off from my usual rouge characters, I'm a level 14 and the money and magic is actually quite interesting. I started off as a rouge in this game, but she got pregnant by a rouge pirate and after having the baby she retired, so enters the cleric...one of Sharess (also Forgotten Realms, but this time think hookers and cats), ok maybe not quite hookers, but on a scale similar although she doesn't take money for services. Sharess is a goddess of sexual pleasure and believes everyone should experience pleasure whenever they opportunity is presented. She also likes cats, think Baste; Egyptian pantheon. Anyway, the story takes place in both Forgotten Realms and Ravenloft, the party has been jumped back and forth between the two, magically, and at very unpredictable moments. My character was born in Ravenloft (Borovia). My mother was also a cleric of Sharess from Sembia (Forgottem Realms) who ended up transported into Borovia and found herself pregnant after a night of "holy worship" by a traveling Vistani (Ravenloft, version of gypsies). So there I am in Borovia minding my own business when this party of adventurers shows up and sucks me into their world, taking me to Coramir (Forgotten Realms) and then suddenly transported back to Ravenloft, only we don't know it's Ravenloft, of course, because now instead of being in Borovia, we're in Paragon City, a sort of 19th century England with a Jack the Ripper type on the loose. Time will only tell.