Life Goes On

So I haven’t written again for a while, I know. I had some issues, man. Seriously. Some of you know that I’ve had some health concerns going on for a while now. Well, I’ve gotten new word on my condition. I’ve known for some time that I have Degenerative Disk Disease, that’s why I have so much difficulty with my back and all that lovely sciatic nerve pain. I’ve also been having a lot of other stuff going on too.

Basically, because I haven’t had insurance I’ve been unable to find out for sure what the deal was. I lost my insurance about two years ago. My doctor, at that time, suspected that I had either Lupus or Rheumatoid Arthritis due to the many symptoms I had been displaying. I lost my insurance just before we were able to do the blood work to provide the final diagnosis. That means I’ve gone for the last two years, now, still having to deal with the crap feeling but not knowing what it is or having any way to treat it.

So, enter, HIP, the Healthy Indiana Plan it’s insurance provided by the state for people who do not have insurance due to either their financial status or because their employer does not offer it. Any way, I qualified and now I have insurance. This is a good thing and on a side note I feel I need to say (even though it makes me cringe) that Gov. Daniels did a good thing here with the program. So, insurance. That means I have been able to go to a doctor again. And I did.

I had the blood work done and now we know that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. This has brought on a lot of mixed feelings for me. On the one hand, it was suspected, so it’s not exactly a surprise, and yet, it still feels surreal. It explains a heck of a lot, like the many, many attacks of pleurisy and the fact that some days I’m literally too sore to walk, or why I can’t grasp objects sometimes. The explanation is there and on a very positive note, now that we know what it is, I can begin treatment.

The way I understand it I have a decent chance of feeling much better once the treatment begins. That would be a welcome relief. I’m pretty tired of feeling crappy all the time, you know? I go to a specialist Friday and then we’ll see how things go. Yet, amidst the good stuff there’s still this lingering feeling of doom. I guess it’s having one’s fears confirmed or something. Maybe it’s just making me feel old. I don’t know. Like I said before, surreal pretty much sums it up. So I find myself caught up with these mixed feelings of hope and depression. I think I need some time to sort it all out. I’m really, really hoping the treatment will make me feel more human again, but after living in this much pain for the last several years I find myself afraid to hope too much. I guess we’ll just have to see. So, there you have it. My update on me. Sorry the post wasn’t more upbeat but…yeah, well, f*ck it. That’s life.

Back Again

Ok, well I guess I’m going to try this again. I know I haven’t been exactly, oh shall we say, consistent with my posts, but…Anyway, I’m working on it.

So I’ve accepted an internship with Real Services. They are a non-profit organization that assists the elderly with various needs. I’ll be working on grant writing (the primary reason for accepting the job) and also volunteer coordination. I think it will be a great way to break into non-profit grant writing, which I believe I will thoroughly enjoy. I think I would like to make a living at it.

I also have an interview tomorrow with an editor of the local newspaper, in charge of the supplemental inserts. She wants to meet up and see if there is a match in interests. So, this could lead into some nice freelance work on the side.

The wind has been pushing me further and further into the writing direction, as opposed to the librarian direction so…I’m ready to fly with the breeze, “I am a leaf on the wind” as Wash would say. Wash, by the way, was the pilot in the Firefly series and the movie Serenity that was made as a conclusion to the series. It totally rocks, if you’re a Buffy or Angel fan you would like this I’m sure. The same guy who did Buffy & Angel created it. Firefly is different, though. Think space, pirates, and lots of adventure.

I guess that’s it for today. Let’s hope things begin to get more regular now. I’ll be getting a new laptop with my tax returns. That will make writing much easier since I won’t have to share one computer with my online gaming addicted R. Gotta love him.

Crossroads

So here I am at a junction of life again. Technically I’ve graduated this semester (still have finals to take), but I postponed my “actual” graduation until August so that I could finish a research project I started (not necessary for my degree). Here’s the catch; I didn’t get the grant money that I was hoping for which means I can’t really afford to do the project now. All in all, what this breaks down to is this:
The life I thought I would be living this summer turns out, that I won’t be living it (most likely). The original plan was for me to keep my part time research job, get the grant, do research and have lots of time this summer to spend with the kids. I haven’t had the time available like I would have liked to have because of full time school, part time job, and a household to run so…I was really looking forward to have the summer with the kids before I had to go find a full time job.
Now, R is still looking for work (which means the only income we’ve been living on is my measly part time salary). He is eligible for unemployment but due to technical red tape it has been held up, possibly for another 7 weeks. He has said that if he gets a job soon that he wouldn’t mind me keeping the part time job I have and then also having the time to be with the kids this summer. That would be wonderful but….there’s always a but. Without some other income (job, unemployment, something) we’re screwed so…
Here I am at a crossroads trying to decide which way to go. If I take a full time job it means I have to give up the part time one, and goodbye summer. If I hold out and hope that R gets a job, or his unemployment comes through and neither happens, we’re screwed, So…I just don’t know. I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing what’s going to happen. I always have goals and plans, and the like; but now I’m just left hanging in the air.
I could put my resume out there and then turn down a job if things come through for R, but I hate to think of doing that because I may end up turning down something that might turn out to be a really good thing. I don’t know. I guess I’m venting. Anyway…I think I’m done now. I still have two weeks to finish up papers and finals so I guess I’ll cross the bridge when I come to it.

Maybe I Don’t Suck

Ok, so maybe I don’t suck after all. Life is such a ride, I swear. I got a letter in the mail this weekend. I’ve been nominated for the English Excellence Award, yippie. This is an award given by the English Department here at IUSB. Each year the department selects one senior who they feel has excelled academically and honors them with this award. I’m very glad that I’m being considered for this; it really helps my fragile ego at the moment. Alright my ego’s not quite as fragile as I make it out to be but, hey let’s face it, rejection really does suck.
Now, if I can get this summer fellowship that I’ve applied for, I’ll be sitting in daisies. I won’t know until April 9th whether I got it or not but if I do get it, I’ll be able to spend the summer working on a research project while getting paid to do it; which means I won’t have to seek out a full time job doing something else this summer while still trying to complete the project anyway, without funding. Please keep the fingers crossed.
Well, I guess this is a rather short entry, comparatively, but I just wanted to get that out since my last post felt so negative. For now, I must go and discuss Manley’s New Atalantis, that is right after I get something to eat.

The Connection Becomes Clearer

Well, the hawk has apparently come home to roost. I’ve been told by a very dear friend that I have, in fact, given up myself and submitted to living as the hawk deems fit. Hmm, not exactly what one wants to hear, but nonetheless, something I’ve been suspecting. It became very clear when a few days after my post on Sparrows, Hawks and Crows; I walked out in my back yard and saw the hawk proudly perched on my fence. I knew that nature was teaching me, it always does. Then, the confirmation within the material world; and here I am, no crow to call my own.
It’s so hard to get back on track though. I have no where, no where at all to go in this stinking city to reconnect. I can’t stand it; and on top of that I lose my ability to trust my judgment. I feel trapped, so how do I know whether the direction I chose is the right way? If I flee in the wrong direction, life could become even worse. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to letting life take its course. In fact, that’s how I live; but here in this case, I’m completely cut off from the energies of the natural world that normally allow me to remain in the proper flow no matter which way I choose. Is this all very confusing, sorry if it is. I know I sound nuts, but really, well…sometimes I guess I could be, but not here when it comes to this. I’ve been cut off before and believe me it’s not a pretty sight. Things go perpetually into a downward spiral. I guess I could operate on the logic of, if I take no action, I’ll be stuck forever…true; but what I want, and what I need, honestly, is to reconnect. I need to be back into the rhythms of nature. So there’s my dilemma. How do I reconnect when there’s no place around to reconnect with? I’m not exactly in a position to go somewhere else at the moment. I need my crow.
Ok, so I suppose upon proof reading what I wrote so far that there’s a message to myself coming through loud and clear here, “I knew that nature was teaching me.” I think this tells me that I’m not completely cut off right? I mean I must be getting something. I still have no place to go and dance naked under the moon. I still have no place to go and listen to the trees. I mean lets face it; I’d be in jail or the psyche ward in less than an hour if I tried something like that in the middle of this god/goddess forsaken city. With my increased awareness though comes an increased ability to alter the situation, right? I don’t want to give up my life that I’ve come to love. I don’t want to give up on those that I love. I need to go back though. I need to find myself and trust my direction like I used to and I don’t know if I can do that when the hawk is pulling so hard for a direction that seems completely unnatural to me. It doesn’t feel safe and my instinct tells me I’m flying into danger, but how can I just fly the other direction and leave the sparrows to their fate? I love the little birds, someone has to.