Making ends meet. Feminism.

I’ve recently decided that I believe I could be very happy being supported by a man. I know this sounds rather 19th century but seriously, what were the women’s suffrage people thinking? Ok, ok don’t get me wrong here; I am what most people would consider to be a feminist. I believe in equal rights, equal pay and all that BUT I want my cake and I want to eat it too. I find the more I stay at home (since I’m not at school so much now) the more I want to stay at home. I really like it. I spend my days taking care of the house and kids. I sew, I garden, and I’ve even taken to baking fresh bread…without the machine…all hand done the old fashioned way. I think I could get used to it very easily.
Then reality sets in and I realize that soon without an additional full time income we’re doomed to a life below poverty level because even with 15 years experience and a college education R still won’t make enough to support our large family. It must be a conspiracy, seriously. What went wrong? Instead of hosting tea parties for my fellow women friends where we could talk for hours about the ills of society and organize groups to correct the problems, we’re now stuck in the work force. I don’t know, this is just a rambling and not well thought out…yet. But it seems to me something is definitely off. Maybe in my spare time while I seek a job I’ll figure out exactly what it is. Until then I just wanted to throw something out there as food for thought.

More D&D but in a poem

First, I'd just like to say that maybe I can get in the habit of writing at least once a week. That would be an improvement, sorry. I wrote this poem as a description of our ongoing D&D adventure. This is about our battle with the ancient white dragon. It is my hope that one may read this in a manner that could also imply a turbulant time in a relationship; therefore giving the decption concept a two fold meaning. What do you think?

In the desolate hour of a heart’s searching,
when our magic has entered the dead zone.
Forward into the pitched night of the cave’s mouth
along the sleek, sodden walls of the gaping hole
down into the water filled belly;
We travel.

The quaking feeling courses through the nerves
chilling the spine, waking the senses.
Fear is a misnomer but the body suffers the stabbing,
wretched echoes within just the same.
She rises from the arctic blue black depths,
with a consuming smile and a single claw
we are flung over the edge of our soul’s abyss.

Her authority to rend our spirit is more brutal
than a violent tempest. The icy paths leading to inconceivable
suffering is the preferred escape.
Within the caverns of recluse her power still emanates
reminding us that she alone has control.
Struggling to be free from the frozen prison
the heart longs for the comfort of a spark.

Forsaking the trodden bones beneath, we move
onward to the colossal doors before us. Seeking our doom,
our serenity, whichever.
The ancient mistress knows the game she plays,
Our hearts, our souls quiver in the knowledge,
but the pain must cease; we must win our prize.

Deception, a wicked attempt to break the mind;
it brings about the crushing blows that have landed
on the heart with such success.
Victory, overcoming the illusion of control; it brings
about another tomorrow. More than hope; it has been conquered
because illusion is real when one believes in it.

Guilt

So it’s June already, freaky. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long between my posts, but hey, I suppose the calendar doesn’t lie. It’s just sort of weird though. When I was in school, the time flew by so quickly I could barely keep up with things; I was constantly on the move. Now that I’m out of school my leisure time, yes, has increased; but I still find myself running short of time to do things. It’s like I feel justified in taking time off, sitting back doing whatever I feel like doing. I’ve watched more DVDs in the last month than I watched all last year. I’m enjoying it, but I have this nagging guilt gnawing at me in the back of my head. It keeps telling me about all the things I think I should be doing like; writing, or weeding the garden, doing some landscaping around the house that I’ve put off for two years now, fixing my sewing machine so that I can make all those clothes that I have on the “to do list”, finish that damn paper. Instead, what do I do? I sit around and watch DVDs and play RPGs (I feel so productive). I guess it’s ok to relax for a while although I’m not perfectly clear on that. I can’t recall a time when I ever actually did that. I would suspect, though, that it must end sometime and I will have to return to the world of reality. Yep, I keep telling myself that, yes, yes I do. So, here I go…getting up…going to make some productive use of my time…yessirye bob…here I go….moving now…well shit, it just doesn’t seem to be working. I guess I’ll have to give it a bit more time.

A creation of a soul

I looked out the window this morning and saw the birds and the squirrels feeding at the feeder and in the garden. The Robin was yanking worms from the worked earth; twisting its head at an angle which allowed it to hear the worm crawling underneath and then, snap, in a flash ripped it from its home below. The Blue jay pecked at the cracked corn and scattered the Sparrows, chasing them into a flight of swirling, frustrated confusion that ended in seconds as they descended again in another attempt to claim the seed as their own. The Grackles and the Cardinals come about as they please, no one messes with them. The Doves sing their song and perch, patience is their game and their movement slow, graceful and accurate; their intent is deliberate. The Finches, gold and red, come for their meal. Three golden ones sit on the wire above assessing the environment, waiting for the good stuff; the sunflowers that will soon be sprouting and offering fresh, convenient and safe shelter for them while they feed. The red Finches, at least I think they’re Finches, pop in and out like the sparrows; they blend well with the sparrows and if it wasn’t for the reddish/brown heads, breast and wings they would easily be mistaken for their active, flighty little counterparts. The Starlings, now there’s an amazing bird. They come in mobs and swoop in turn while the others keep watch. If there are enough of them to keep a sharp eye there could be a profuse amount of them on the ground, selecting pieces of bread that they will hold onto in flight so that they can consume it at their leisure elsewhere. The squirrels are the oddest bunch; each has a personality that reflects just how individual they can be. One climbs the fence and has learned how to remove the lid of the feeder so that he can crawl inside it and eat to his heart’s content. I’ve given in and permanently allowed the lid to stay off; it’s easier than replacing it several times a day. Another one works his way back and forth from the feeder to the potted plants where he’ll sit up on his hind legs and munch; sometimes he buries the food in the planters for later. The third squirrel is my favorite, he lies down to eat, so relaxed and kicked back. I’ve never seen a squirrel so tranquil. Like a dog that stretches his back legs out behind him, the squirrel makes full use of his body length, spreading himself from extended front paws to extended back paws while he consumes sunflower seeds to his ultimate delight. All of this I watch, I see, and I absorb. The natural aspect of life, the indifferent methods of each creature, each species reflects mankind; I can see it. In every varying moment of voyeuristic sensation I feel the creation and the growth of all living beings. I understand the wonderment of the earth, its being and all the moments of non-linear existence that are ingrained in every vibration of life. My soul is thousands of years old and with each morning perfectly new.

Crossroads

So here I am at a junction of life again. Technically I’ve graduated this semester (still have finals to take), but I postponed my “actual” graduation until August so that I could finish a research project I started (not necessary for my degree). Here’s the catch; I didn’t get the grant money that I was hoping for which means I can’t really afford to do the project now. All in all, what this breaks down to is this:
The life I thought I would be living this summer turns out, that I won’t be living it (most likely). The original plan was for me to keep my part time research job, get the grant, do research and have lots of time this summer to spend with the kids. I haven’t had the time available like I would have liked to have because of full time school, part time job, and a household to run so…I was really looking forward to have the summer with the kids before I had to go find a full time job.
Now, R is still looking for work (which means the only income we’ve been living on is my measly part time salary). He is eligible for unemployment but due to technical red tape it has been held up, possibly for another 7 weeks. He has said that if he gets a job soon that he wouldn’t mind me keeping the part time job I have and then also having the time to be with the kids this summer. That would be wonderful but….there’s always a but. Without some other income (job, unemployment, something) we’re screwed so…
Here I am at a crossroads trying to decide which way to go. If I take a full time job it means I have to give up the part time one, and goodbye summer. If I hold out and hope that R gets a job, or his unemployment comes through and neither happens, we’re screwed, So…I just don’t know. I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing what’s going to happen. I always have goals and plans, and the like; but now I’m just left hanging in the air.
I could put my resume out there and then turn down a job if things come through for R, but I hate to think of doing that because I may end up turning down something that might turn out to be a really good thing. I don’t know. I guess I’m venting. Anyway…I think I’m done now. I still have two weeks to finish up papers and finals so I guess I’ll cross the bridge when I come to it.

Sorry I haven’t written Ma

Ok, so I know that I haven’t written in, like, forever. It’s because I dropped off the face of the earth. It was really quite painful. Really. I’m lucky to have survived at all.

Alright so maybe I didn’t quite drop off the face of the earth, but I had a completely, totally, f*ed up week last week. It’s too painful to talk about. Let’s just say it was one of those weeks when everything that could go wrong did.
I’m trying to get past it all this week, but yesterday didn’t help set things into an easy flow. Our 7 year old fell down playing jump rope (in the house) and bashed (and I do mean bashed) his little face into the floor; bloodied his nose and mouth, knocked two of his teeth loose, one of which fell out last night. Luckily they are still baby teeth but I had to take him into the dentist this morning just to make sure he was ok. He is. The tooth fairy just gets to visit before she was actually supposed to
So, parents out there… you know the dreaded “crash / thump / thud” sound that happens the second before the horrific scream that lets you know, this time it’s serious? I hate that sound. That’s what I heard as I was trying to get dressed yesterday, followed by his sister screaming, “Oh my God! There’s blood everywhere” while I’m trying to cover myself with my robe and run up two flights of stairs (stairs that I normally have to use my cane to get up) and get to him before it’s too late. Aye, what a freakin’ day.
So, I’m beginning my week today, on Monday. This way I can say that what happened yesterday was a horrible end to a horrible week. Thank God it’s Monday!

DandD Update

So it occurred to me that I haven’t really mentioned what was going on in our games lately. I guess this is as good a time as any to talk about it, so here goes:

Last night’s game (the one we call the regular game, as opposed to the alternate game next weekend) found us back in Waterdeep. We have apparently escaped Ravenloft for now, but not without a price. And well, honestly speaking, that price was sort of my fault. You see, we were battling this very wicked Death type Lord in Ravenloft and well, being the Neutral Good Cleric that I am; I decided it would be a good thing to cast Holy Word, (and this was really an innocent mistake) the spell worked wonderfully; that is, it had the desired effect of blinding any opponent that hit anyone of my party members but… well being as Ravenloft is actually my home plane it has a second effect as well. (Let me first add this too, depending on the level of the character effected by the spell it was also possible that they could have gone deaf, been paralyzed, or outright killed) Getting back to the second effect; because I was on my home plane, the spell also banishes any NON-Good being from another plane back to its home plane. There is a catch; this is Ravenloft, nothing, and I do mean nothing, necessarily works the way it should when it comes to any type of transportation spell (in other words, you never actually know where you might end up). That said…it turns out that three of my party members were of a Non-Good alignment (unbeknownst to me) well, because they were not originally from Ravenloft guess what happened to them. Yes, I banished all three to different planes of existence, oops. You see, they didn’t go back home to their planes because of the whole problem with Ravenloft transport spells so, they are all now, well shall we just say, MIA. (The players will now have to make new characters, because the ones they had, won’t be coming back from where they ended up, yeah, they’re all dead meat). I look at it this way though. One of the characters was actually Lawful Evil, perhaps placed in our party by a powerful enemy, or whatever, but he was bad and certainly up to no good. He was apparently hiding his alignment from us, so I think I did the group a favor there. Now, our prize Samari fighter, who was much beloved and valued in the party, was also banished. This came as quite a surprise to everyone because of his whole lawful calling to nobleness and honor. It turns out though, that at some point during our adventures in Ravenloft, he was bitten by a werewolf and never told anyone, hence the non-good. So, eventually he would have turned on us too, most likely anyway. So I think perhaps the banishment was a good thing there too. The third party member well, he was kind of just unlucky, believe me par for the course. See, he chose a lawful neutral alignment, not good, not bad, in this case though; bad. He really hasn’t had much luck with this character though. Once he cut his own leg off in battle, which really sucked for him. He also lost an arm in battle, lucky for him we were able to piece him back together, because yes; I am just a badass cleric that can do that sort of thing *snicker snicker*. So, maybe I did him a favor after all. I mean sooner or later he was going to probably cut off his own head anyway, right? So there you have it, the latest update (on this game anyway) and my justification for killing three of my party members. Don’t get testy about it, I still have another Holy Word spell prepared, oh yes, oh yes I do.
I guess I’ll have to talk about the other game at yet another time since this post is getting quite long. It also occurs to me that I went a bit off subject here and never actually related how we got back to Waterdeep and what has been occurring there since, hmm. I guess the plot will thicken during my next update.