A creation of a soul

I looked out the window this morning and saw the birds and the squirrels feeding at the feeder and in the garden. The Robin was yanking worms from the worked earth; twisting its head at an angle which allowed it to hear the worm crawling underneath and then, snap, in a flash ripped it from its home below. The Blue jay pecked at the cracked corn and scattered the Sparrows, chasing them into a flight of swirling, frustrated confusion that ended in seconds as they descended again in another attempt to claim the seed as their own. The Grackles and the Cardinals come about as they please, no one messes with them. The Doves sing their song and perch, patience is their game and their movement slow, graceful and accurate; their intent is deliberate. The Finches, gold and red, come for their meal. Three golden ones sit on the wire above assessing the environment, waiting for the good stuff; the sunflowers that will soon be sprouting and offering fresh, convenient and safe shelter for them while they feed. The red Finches, at least I think they’re Finches, pop in and out like the sparrows; they blend well with the sparrows and if it wasn’t for the reddish/brown heads, breast and wings they would easily be mistaken for their active, flighty little counterparts. The Starlings, now there’s an amazing bird. They come in mobs and swoop in turn while the others keep watch. If there are enough of them to keep a sharp eye there could be a profuse amount of them on the ground, selecting pieces of bread that they will hold onto in flight so that they can consume it at their leisure elsewhere. The squirrels are the oddest bunch; each has a personality that reflects just how individual they can be. One climbs the fence and has learned how to remove the lid of the feeder so that he can crawl inside it and eat to his heart’s content. I’ve given in and permanently allowed the lid to stay off; it’s easier than replacing it several times a day. Another one works his way back and forth from the feeder to the potted plants where he’ll sit up on his hind legs and munch; sometimes he buries the food in the planters for later. The third squirrel is my favorite, he lies down to eat, so relaxed and kicked back. I’ve never seen a squirrel so tranquil. Like a dog that stretches his back legs out behind him, the squirrel makes full use of his body length, spreading himself from extended front paws to extended back paws while he consumes sunflower seeds to his ultimate delight. All of this I watch, I see, and I absorb. The natural aspect of life, the indifferent methods of each creature, each species reflects mankind; I can see it. In every varying moment of voyeuristic sensation I feel the creation and the growth of all living beings. I understand the wonderment of the earth, its being and all the moments of non-linear existence that are ingrained in every vibration of life. My soul is thousands of years old and with each morning perfectly new.

Crossroads

So here I am at a junction of life again. Technically I’ve graduated this semester (still have finals to take), but I postponed my “actual” graduation until August so that I could finish a research project I started (not necessary for my degree). Here’s the catch; I didn’t get the grant money that I was hoping for which means I can’t really afford to do the project now. All in all, what this breaks down to is this:
The life I thought I would be living this summer turns out, that I won’t be living it (most likely). The original plan was for me to keep my part time research job, get the grant, do research and have lots of time this summer to spend with the kids. I haven’t had the time available like I would have liked to have because of full time school, part time job, and a household to run so…I was really looking forward to have the summer with the kids before I had to go find a full time job.
Now, R is still looking for work (which means the only income we’ve been living on is my measly part time salary). He is eligible for unemployment but due to technical red tape it has been held up, possibly for another 7 weeks. He has said that if he gets a job soon that he wouldn’t mind me keeping the part time job I have and then also having the time to be with the kids this summer. That would be wonderful but….there’s always a but. Without some other income (job, unemployment, something) we’re screwed so…
Here I am at a crossroads trying to decide which way to go. If I take a full time job it means I have to give up the part time one, and goodbye summer. If I hold out and hope that R gets a job, or his unemployment comes through and neither happens, we’re screwed, So…I just don’t know. I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing what’s going to happen. I always have goals and plans, and the like; but now I’m just left hanging in the air.
I could put my resume out there and then turn down a job if things come through for R, but I hate to think of doing that because I may end up turning down something that might turn out to be a really good thing. I don’t know. I guess I’m venting. Anyway…I think I’m done now. I still have two weeks to finish up papers and finals so I guess I’ll cross the bridge when I come to it.

Sorry I haven’t written Ma

Ok, so I know that I haven’t written in, like, forever. It’s because I dropped off the face of the earth. It was really quite painful. Really. I’m lucky to have survived at all.

Alright so maybe I didn’t quite drop off the face of the earth, but I had a completely, totally, f*ed up week last week. It’s too painful to talk about. Let’s just say it was one of those weeks when everything that could go wrong did.
I’m trying to get past it all this week, but yesterday didn’t help set things into an easy flow. Our 7 year old fell down playing jump rope (in the house) and bashed (and I do mean bashed) his little face into the floor; bloodied his nose and mouth, knocked two of his teeth loose, one of which fell out last night. Luckily they are still baby teeth but I had to take him into the dentist this morning just to make sure he was ok. He is. The tooth fairy just gets to visit before she was actually supposed to
So, parents out there… you know the dreaded “crash / thump / thud” sound that happens the second before the horrific scream that lets you know, this time it’s serious? I hate that sound. That’s what I heard as I was trying to get dressed yesterday, followed by his sister screaming, “Oh my God! There’s blood everywhere” while I’m trying to cover myself with my robe and run up two flights of stairs (stairs that I normally have to use my cane to get up) and get to him before it’s too late. Aye, what a freakin’ day.
So, I’m beginning my week today, on Monday. This way I can say that what happened yesterday was a horrible end to a horrible week. Thank God it’s Monday!

DandD Update

So it occurred to me that I haven’t really mentioned what was going on in our games lately. I guess this is as good a time as any to talk about it, so here goes:

Last night’s game (the one we call the regular game, as opposed to the alternate game next weekend) found us back in Waterdeep. We have apparently escaped Ravenloft for now, but not without a price. And well, honestly speaking, that price was sort of my fault. You see, we were battling this very wicked Death type Lord in Ravenloft and well, being the Neutral Good Cleric that I am; I decided it would be a good thing to cast Holy Word, (and this was really an innocent mistake) the spell worked wonderfully; that is, it had the desired effect of blinding any opponent that hit anyone of my party members but… well being as Ravenloft is actually my home plane it has a second effect as well. (Let me first add this too, depending on the level of the character effected by the spell it was also possible that they could have gone deaf, been paralyzed, or outright killed) Getting back to the second effect; because I was on my home plane, the spell also banishes any NON-Good being from another plane back to its home plane. There is a catch; this is Ravenloft, nothing, and I do mean nothing, necessarily works the way it should when it comes to any type of transportation spell (in other words, you never actually know where you might end up). That said…it turns out that three of my party members were of a Non-Good alignment (unbeknownst to me) well, because they were not originally from Ravenloft guess what happened to them. Yes, I banished all three to different planes of existence, oops. You see, they didn’t go back home to their planes because of the whole problem with Ravenloft transport spells so, they are all now, well shall we just say, MIA. (The players will now have to make new characters, because the ones they had, won’t be coming back from where they ended up, yeah, they’re all dead meat). I look at it this way though. One of the characters was actually Lawful Evil, perhaps placed in our party by a powerful enemy, or whatever, but he was bad and certainly up to no good. He was apparently hiding his alignment from us, so I think I did the group a favor there. Now, our prize Samari fighter, who was much beloved and valued in the party, was also banished. This came as quite a surprise to everyone because of his whole lawful calling to nobleness and honor. It turns out though, that at some point during our adventures in Ravenloft, he was bitten by a werewolf and never told anyone, hence the non-good. So, eventually he would have turned on us too, most likely anyway. So I think perhaps the banishment was a good thing there too. The third party member well, he was kind of just unlucky, believe me par for the course. See, he chose a lawful neutral alignment, not good, not bad, in this case though; bad. He really hasn’t had much luck with this character though. Once he cut his own leg off in battle, which really sucked for him. He also lost an arm in battle, lucky for him we were able to piece him back together, because yes; I am just a badass cleric that can do that sort of thing *snicker snicker*. So, maybe I did him a favor after all. I mean sooner or later he was going to probably cut off his own head anyway, right? So there you have it, the latest update (on this game anyway) and my justification for killing three of my party members. Don’t get testy about it, I still have another Holy Word spell prepared, oh yes, oh yes I do.
I guess I’ll have to talk about the other game at yet another time since this post is getting quite long. It also occurs to me that I went a bit off subject here and never actually related how we got back to Waterdeep and what has been occurring there since, hmm. I guess the plot will thicken during my next update.

Genesis

I guess I'm feeling a bit dark today. This was off the top of my head, maybe I'll work on it, maybe I won't:

Genesis

And God said Let the earth reign
And mankind grew to hatred, bitterness, and lust
And God said Let Heaven reign
And mankind killed one another
In the name of the righteous

And God said What is this form that I have created
And mankind answered, We are void, from the void we came
And to the void we will return
And God said Why have I created this form
And mankind said To give us domination over all things
And God said Why have I created this Heaven
And mankind said So that you have a place to hide from mankind

And God said What will you do with this domain
And mankind answered We will destroy all that is precious to us,
All that will give our lives meaning and purpose
And God said Why did I not destroy this creation wholly
And mankind said Because we are God and we would not
Let you do so

And God said I will abandon this earth to its own destruction
And mankind reveled in its glory
And God retreated to his Heaven and hid there for all eternity
And mankind said This is good we are free
And mankind found fear in death and so recreated God
In mankind’s own image

And mankind’s God said I will destroy
All that mankind has befouled
And mankind’s God destroyed his own image
And mankind said Why can’t we touch God
And God said Because what you have created is false
And mankind said Is it too late
And God said mankind has chosen its own course
Therefore the answer can only be found in mankind
And Mankind said We care not to think on it any longer.

Maybe I Don’t Suck

Ok, so maybe I don’t suck after all. Life is such a ride, I swear. I got a letter in the mail this weekend. I’ve been nominated for the English Excellence Award, yippie. This is an award given by the English Department here at IUSB. Each year the department selects one senior who they feel has excelled academically and honors them with this award. I’m very glad that I’m being considered for this; it really helps my fragile ego at the moment. Alright my ego’s not quite as fragile as I make it out to be but, hey let’s face it, rejection really does suck.
Now, if I can get this summer fellowship that I’ve applied for, I’ll be sitting in daisies. I won’t know until April 9th whether I got it or not but if I do get it, I’ll be able to spend the summer working on a research project while getting paid to do it; which means I won’t have to seek out a full time job doing something else this summer while still trying to complete the project anyway, without funding. Please keep the fingers crossed.
Well, I guess this is a rather short entry, comparatively, but I just wanted to get that out since my last post felt so negative. For now, I must go and discuss Manley’s New Atalantis, that is right after I get something to eat.

I Suck

Do you have these moments when you think to yourself, “I can’t write”? I mean seriously, it’s like, everything that comes out of my brain and onto the paper sucks. I think I’m having a crisis; it usually comes about this time of year. I blame our school literary magazine. I submit my work every year, and every year I have had my work accepted. Yeah, I know, so what’s the problem? Well, at the risk of sounding very shallow, possibly bitter and just plain tasteless...I haven’t ever won a literary award for any of it. This is my last year as an undergrad and I was really hoping that I might win it this year, but alas it was not meant to be. Now don’t get me wrong here, It’s not that I think that I’m a better writer than anyone else, that’s really not it. Here’s what it actually is. I get my hopes up every year, thinking, hey maybe this stuff is better than last year, maybe someone will think it’s good enough for one of the awards. Then, I get notice that my work was accepted, so my hope continues to build. Then…the letter, “While your work was very nice blah blah blah…it didn’t make the cut for the really good stuff. You’re in the book, just not in the best of the book” I hate rejection. The fact of the matter is that every year that this has happened, I’ve had to agree with the people who have dished out the awards. I mean, I read the stuff that wins, and each year I find myself thinking, “Wow, this is really good. Why can’t I write like that?” And then the inevitable, “I suck.” follows. I’m being petty aren’t I? But I can’t pretend that it doesn’t mean something to me, because it does. Anyway, now I have to go through all the shit to talk myself back up to myself, you know the “you’re just misunderstood. No one appreciates you. You’ll be famous after you die, you’ll be a legacy. Just keep at it” talk. Well Fuck! I mean it. It sucks, I suck…but…someday people will read my work and then go, “Oh, she was such a freakin’ genius” I’m so misunderstood.

Oh by the way, here's the one they're publishing. The irony...it's a Cento...yep, I suck.

A Cento

Some nights I sleep with my dress on
In the garden of waters a spirit of stone.
The cool October night
Somewhere west of the black volcanoes.

I’ve seen people die of money.
Where the hell do these people come from?
Their fathers were surgeons and vice-presidents.
Their mothers were psychologists and counselors.

had I known how to play them
had I known how to let
them play me

A clock stitched from will,
chronologs which hours to kill
and take from seventy springs a score,
it only leaves me fifty more.

But you are inside your breathing now
as you were taught. Their faces twitch
turn red as stutterers. The astounded soul
hangs for a moment bodiless and simple

she pins her sleeve to the dead
my sleeve soaked by the automatic spray
God, I have been looking for you.