The Connection Becomes Clearer

Well, the hawk has apparently come home to roost. I’ve been told by a very dear friend that I have, in fact, given up myself and submitted to living as the hawk deems fit. Hmm, not exactly what one wants to hear, but nonetheless, something I’ve been suspecting. It became very clear when a few days after my post on Sparrows, Hawks and Crows; I walked out in my back yard and saw the hawk proudly perched on my fence. I knew that nature was teaching me, it always does. Then, the confirmation within the material world; and here I am, no crow to call my own.
It’s so hard to get back on track though. I have no where, no where at all to go in this stinking city to reconnect. I can’t stand it; and on top of that I lose my ability to trust my judgment. I feel trapped, so how do I know whether the direction I chose is the right way? If I flee in the wrong direction, life could become even worse. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to letting life take its course. In fact, that’s how I live; but here in this case, I’m completely cut off from the energies of the natural world that normally allow me to remain in the proper flow no matter which way I choose. Is this all very confusing, sorry if it is. I know I sound nuts, but really, well…sometimes I guess I could be, but not here when it comes to this. I’ve been cut off before and believe me it’s not a pretty sight. Things go perpetually into a downward spiral. I guess I could operate on the logic of, if I take no action, I’ll be stuck forever…true; but what I want, and what I need, honestly, is to reconnect. I need to be back into the rhythms of nature. So there’s my dilemma. How do I reconnect when there’s no place around to reconnect with? I’m not exactly in a position to go somewhere else at the moment. I need my crow.
Ok, so I suppose upon proof reading what I wrote so far that there’s a message to myself coming through loud and clear here, “I knew that nature was teaching me.” I think this tells me that I’m not completely cut off right? I mean I must be getting something. I still have no place to go and dance naked under the moon. I still have no place to go and listen to the trees. I mean lets face it; I’d be in jail or the psyche ward in less than an hour if I tried something like that in the middle of this god/goddess forsaken city. With my increased awareness though comes an increased ability to alter the situation, right? I don’t want to give up my life that I’ve come to love. I don’t want to give up on those that I love. I need to go back though. I need to find myself and trust my direction like I used to and I don’t know if I can do that when the hawk is pulling so hard for a direction that seems completely unnatural to me. It doesn’t feel safe and my instinct tells me I’m flying into danger, but how can I just fly the other direction and leave the sparrows to their fate? I love the little birds, someone has to.