Monday, October 15, 2007


Sections of a mind
Citrus Fruit

Tortured emotions
Peel the psyche open
Untested remedies
Divide the soul

Flowering hymen

Breaking into the abstract
Seeds spilling forth
Femininity meets masculinity
A distant mirrored image

Bushel of guts

The Christ complex with swollen belly
Picking viscera globules
Disembowelment causes shivering
Cradle the child no longer within

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Making ends meet. Feminism.

I’ve recently decided that I believe I could be very happy being supported by a man. I know this sounds rather 19th century but seriously, what were the women’s suffrage people thinking? Ok, ok don’t get me wrong here; I am what most people would consider to be a feminist. I believe in equal rights, equal pay and all that BUT I want my cake and I want to eat it too. I find the more I stay at home (since I’m not at school so much now) the more I want to stay at home. I really like it. I spend my days taking care of the house and kids. I sew, I garden, and I’ve even taken to baking fresh bread…without the machine…all hand done the old fashioned way. I think I could get used to it very easily.
Then reality sets in and I realize that soon without an additional full time income we’re doomed to a life below poverty level because even with 15 years experience and a college education R still won’t make enough to support our large family. It must be a conspiracy, seriously. What went wrong? Instead of hosting tea parties for my fellow women friends where we could talk for hours about the ills of society and organize groups to correct the problems, we’re now stuck in the work force. I don’t know, this is just a rambling and not well thought out…yet. But it seems to me something is definitely off. Maybe in my spare time while I seek a job I’ll figure out exactly what it is. Until then I just wanted to throw something out there as food for thought.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

More D&D but in a poem

First, I'd just like to say that maybe I can get in the habit of writing at least once a week. That would be an improvement, sorry. I wrote this poem as a description of our ongoing D&D adventure. This is about our battle with the ancient white dragon. It is my hope that one may read this in a manner that could also imply a turbulant time in a relationship; therefore giving the decption concept a two fold meaning. What do you think?

In the desolate hour of a heart’s searching,
when our magic has entered the dead zone.
Forward into the pitched night of the cave’s mouth
along the sleek, sodden walls of the gaping hole
down into the water filled belly;
We travel.

The quaking feeling courses through the nerves
chilling the spine, waking the senses.
Fear is a misnomer but the body suffers the stabbing,
wretched echoes within just the same.
She rises from the arctic blue black depths,
with a consuming smile and a single claw
we are flung over the edge of our soul’s abyss.

Her authority to rend our spirit is more brutal
than a violent tempest. The icy paths leading to inconceivable
suffering is the preferred escape.
Within the caverns of recluse her power still emanates
reminding us that she alone has control.
Struggling to be free from the frozen prison
the heart longs for the comfort of a spark.

Forsaking the trodden bones beneath, we move
onward to the colossal doors before us. Seeking our doom,
our serenity, whichever.
The ancient mistress knows the game she plays,
Our hearts, our souls quiver in the knowledge,
but the pain must cease; we must win our prize.

Deception, a wicked attempt to break the mind;
it brings about the crushing blows that have landed
on the heart with such success.
Victory, overcoming the illusion of control; it brings
about another tomorrow. More than hope; it has been conquered
because illusion is real when one believes in it.

Sunday, June 3, 2007


So it’s June already, freaky. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long between my posts, but hey, I suppose the calendar doesn’t lie. It’s just sort of weird though. When I was in school, the time flew by so quickly I could barely keep up with things; I was constantly on the move. Now that I’m out of school my leisure time, yes, has increased; but I still find myself running short of time to do things. It’s like I feel justified in taking time off, sitting back doing whatever I feel like doing. I’ve watched more DVDs in the last month than I watched all last year. I’m enjoying it, but I have this nagging guilt gnawing at me in the back of my head. It keeps telling me about all the things I think I should be doing like; writing, or weeding the garden, doing some landscaping around the house that I’ve put off for two years now, fixing my sewing machine so that I can make all those clothes that I have on the “to do list”, finish that damn paper. Instead, what do I do? I sit around and watch DVDs and play RPGs (I feel so productive). I guess it’s ok to relax for a while although I’m not perfectly clear on that. I can’t recall a time when I ever actually did that. I would suspect, though, that it must end sometime and I will have to return to the world of reality. Yep, I keep telling myself that, yes, yes I do. So, here I go…getting up…going to make some productive use of my time…yessirye bob…here I go….moving now…well shit, it just doesn’t seem to be working. I guess I’ll have to give it a bit more time.

Friday, May 25, 2007

A creation of a soul

I looked out the window this morning and saw the birds and the squirrels feeding at the feeder and in the garden. The Robin was yanking worms from the worked earth; twisting its head at an angle which allowed it to hear the worm crawling underneath and then, snap, in a flash ripped it from its home below. The Blue jay pecked at the cracked corn and scattered the Sparrows, chasing them into a flight of swirling, frustrated confusion that ended in seconds as they descended again in another attempt to claim the seed as their own. The Grackles and the Cardinals come about as they please, no one messes with them. The Doves sing their song and perch, patience is their game and their movement slow, graceful and accurate; their intent is deliberate. The Finches, gold and red, come for their meal. Three golden ones sit on the wire above assessing the environment, waiting for the good stuff; the sunflowers that will soon be sprouting and offering fresh, convenient and safe shelter for them while they feed. The red Finches, at least I think they’re Finches, pop in and out like the sparrows; they blend well with the sparrows and if it wasn’t for the reddish/brown heads, breast and wings they would easily be mistaken for their active, flighty little counterparts. The Starlings, now there’s an amazing bird. They come in mobs and swoop in turn while the others keep watch. If there are enough of them to keep a sharp eye there could be a profuse amount of them on the ground, selecting pieces of bread that they will hold onto in flight so that they can consume it at their leisure elsewhere. The squirrels are the oddest bunch; each has a personality that reflects just how individual they can be. One climbs the fence and has learned how to remove the lid of the feeder so that he can crawl inside it and eat to his heart’s content. I’ve given in and permanently allowed the lid to stay off; it’s easier than replacing it several times a day. Another one works his way back and forth from the feeder to the potted plants where he’ll sit up on his hind legs and munch; sometimes he buries the food in the planters for later. The third squirrel is my favorite, he lies down to eat, so relaxed and kicked back. I’ve never seen a squirrel so tranquil. Like a dog that stretches his back legs out behind him, the squirrel makes full use of his body length, spreading himself from extended front paws to extended back paws while he consumes sunflower seeds to his ultimate delight. All of this I watch, I see, and I absorb. The natural aspect of life, the indifferent methods of each creature, each species reflects mankind; I can see it. In every varying moment of voyeuristic sensation I feel the creation and the growth of all living beings. I understand the wonderment of the earth, its being and all the moments of non-linear existence that are ingrained in every vibration of life. My soul is thousands of years old and with each morning perfectly new.

Saturday, April 21, 2007


So here I am at a junction of life again. Technically I’ve graduated this semester (still have finals to take), but I postponed my “actual” graduation until August so that I could finish a research project I started (not necessary for my degree). Here’s the catch; I didn’t get the grant money that I was hoping for which means I can’t really afford to do the project now. All in all, what this breaks down to is this:
The life I thought I would be living this summer turns out, that I won’t be living it (most likely). The original plan was for me to keep my part time research job, get the grant, do research and have lots of time this summer to spend with the kids. I haven’t had the time available like I would have liked to have because of full time school, part time job, and a household to run so…I was really looking forward to have the summer with the kids before I had to go find a full time job.
Now, R is still looking for work (which means the only income we’ve been living on is my measly part time salary). He is eligible for unemployment but due to technical red tape it has been held up, possibly for another 7 weeks. He has said that if he gets a job soon that he wouldn’t mind me keeping the part time job I have and then also having the time to be with the kids this summer. That would be wonderful but….there’s always a but. Without some other income (job, unemployment, something) we’re screwed so…
Here I am at a crossroads trying to decide which way to go. If I take a full time job it means I have to give up the part time one, and goodbye summer. If I hold out and hope that R gets a job, or his unemployment comes through and neither happens, we’re screwed, So…I just don’t know. I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing what’s going to happen. I always have goals and plans, and the like; but now I’m just left hanging in the air.
I could put my resume out there and then turn down a job if things come through for R, but I hate to think of doing that because I may end up turning down something that might turn out to be a really good thing. I don’t know. I guess I’m venting. Anyway…I think I’m done now. I still have two weeks to finish up papers and finals so I guess I’ll cross the bridge when I come to it.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Sorry I haven’t written Ma

Ok, so I know that I haven’t written in, like, forever. It’s because I dropped off the face of the earth. It was really quite painful. Really. I’m lucky to have survived at all.

Alright so maybe I didn’t quite drop off the face of the earth, but I had a completely, totally, f*ed up week last week. It’s too painful to talk about. Let’s just say it was one of those weeks when everything that could go wrong did.
I’m trying to get past it all this week, but yesterday didn’t help set things into an easy flow. Our 7 year old fell down playing jump rope (in the house) and bashed (and I do mean bashed) his little face into the floor; bloodied his nose and mouth, knocked two of his teeth loose, one of which fell out last night. Luckily they are still baby teeth but I had to take him into the dentist this morning just to make sure he was ok. He is. The tooth fairy just gets to visit before she was actually supposed to
So, parents out there… you know the dreaded “crash / thump / thud” sound that happens the second before the horrific scream that lets you know, this time it’s serious? I hate that sound. That’s what I heard as I was trying to get dressed yesterday, followed by his sister screaming, “Oh my God! There’s blood everywhere” while I’m trying to cover myself with my robe and run up two flights of stairs (stairs that I normally have to use my cane to get up) and get to him before it’s too late. Aye, what a freakin’ day.
So, I’m beginning my week today, on Monday. This way I can say that what happened yesterday was a horrible end to a horrible week. Thank God it’s Monday!

Sunday, April 8, 2007

DandD Update

So it occurred to me that I haven’t really mentioned what was going on in our games lately. I guess this is as good a time as any to talk about it, so here goes:

Last night’s game (the one we call the regular game, as opposed to the alternate game next weekend) found us back in Waterdeep. We have apparently escaped Ravenloft for now, but not without a price. And well, honestly speaking, that price was sort of my fault. You see, we were battling this very wicked Death type Lord in Ravenloft and well, being the Neutral Good Cleric that I am; I decided it would be a good thing to cast Holy Word, (and this was really an innocent mistake) the spell worked wonderfully; that is, it had the desired effect of blinding any opponent that hit anyone of my party members but… well being as Ravenloft is actually my home plane it has a second effect as well. (Let me first add this too, depending on the level of the character effected by the spell it was also possible that they could have gone deaf, been paralyzed, or outright killed) Getting back to the second effect; because I was on my home plane, the spell also banishes any NON-Good being from another plane back to its home plane. There is a catch; this is Ravenloft, nothing, and I do mean nothing, necessarily works the way it should when it comes to any type of transportation spell (in other words, you never actually know where you might end up). That said…it turns out that three of my party members were of a Non-Good alignment (unbeknownst to me) well, because they were not originally from Ravenloft guess what happened to them. Yes, I banished all three to different planes of existence, oops. You see, they didn’t go back home to their planes because of the whole problem with Ravenloft transport spells so, they are all now, well shall we just say, MIA. (The players will now have to make new characters, because the ones they had, won’t be coming back from where they ended up, yeah, they’re all dead meat). I look at it this way though. One of the characters was actually Lawful Evil, perhaps placed in our party by a powerful enemy, or whatever, but he was bad and certainly up to no good. He was apparently hiding his alignment from us, so I think I did the group a favor there. Now, our prize Samari fighter, who was much beloved and valued in the party, was also banished. This came as quite a surprise to everyone because of his whole lawful calling to nobleness and honor. It turns out though, that at some point during our adventures in Ravenloft, he was bitten by a werewolf and never told anyone, hence the non-good. So, eventually he would have turned on us too, most likely anyway. So I think perhaps the banishment was a good thing there too. The third party member well, he was kind of just unlucky, believe me par for the course. See, he chose a lawful neutral alignment, not good, not bad, in this case though; bad. He really hasn’t had much luck with this character though. Once he cut his own leg off in battle, which really sucked for him. He also lost an arm in battle, lucky for him we were able to piece him back together, because yes; I am just a badass cleric that can do that sort of thing *snicker snicker*. So, maybe I did him a favor after all. I mean sooner or later he was going to probably cut off his own head anyway, right? So there you have it, the latest update (on this game anyway) and my justification for killing three of my party members. Don’t get testy about it, I still have another Holy Word spell prepared, oh yes, oh yes I do.
I guess I’ll have to talk about the other game at yet another time since this post is getting quite long. It also occurs to me that I went a bit off subject here and never actually related how we got back to Waterdeep and what has been occurring there since, hmm. I guess the plot will thicken during my next update.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007


I guess I'm feeling a bit dark today. This was off the top of my head, maybe I'll work on it, maybe I won't:


And God said Let the earth reign
And mankind grew to hatred, bitterness, and lust
And God said Let Heaven reign
And mankind killed one another
In the name of the righteous

And God said What is this form that I have created
And mankind answered, We are void, from the void we came
And to the void we will return
And God said Why have I created this form
And mankind said To give us domination over all things
And God said Why have I created this Heaven
And mankind said So that you have a place to hide from mankind

And God said What will you do with this domain
And mankind answered We will destroy all that is precious to us,
All that will give our lives meaning and purpose
And God said Why did I not destroy this creation wholly
And mankind said Because we are God and we would not
Let you do so

And God said I will abandon this earth to its own destruction
And mankind reveled in its glory
And God retreated to his Heaven and hid there for all eternity
And mankind said This is good we are free
And mankind found fear in death and so recreated God
In mankind’s own image

And mankind’s God said I will destroy
All that mankind has befouled
And mankind’s God destroyed his own image
And mankind said Why can’t we touch God
And God said Because what you have created is false
And mankind said Is it too late
And God said mankind has chosen its own course
Therefore the answer can only be found in mankind
And Mankind said We care not to think on it any longer.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Maybe I Don’t Suck

Ok, so maybe I don’t suck after all. Life is such a ride, I swear. I got a letter in the mail this weekend. I’ve been nominated for the English Excellence Award, yippie. This is an award given by the English Department here at IUSB. Each year the department selects one senior who they feel has excelled academically and honors them with this award. I’m very glad that I’m being considered for this; it really helps my fragile ego at the moment. Alright my ego’s not quite as fragile as I make it out to be but, hey let’s face it, rejection really does suck.
Now, if I can get this summer fellowship that I’ve applied for, I’ll be sitting in daisies. I won’t know until April 9th whether I got it or not but if I do get it, I’ll be able to spend the summer working on a research project while getting paid to do it; which means I won’t have to seek out a full time job doing something else this summer while still trying to complete the project anyway, without funding. Please keep the fingers crossed.
Well, I guess this is a rather short entry, comparatively, but I just wanted to get that out since my last post felt so negative. For now, I must go and discuss Manley’s New Atalantis, that is right after I get something to eat.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

I Suck

Do you have these moments when you think to yourself, “I can’t write”? I mean seriously, it’s like, everything that comes out of my brain and onto the paper sucks. I think I’m having a crisis; it usually comes about this time of year. I blame our school literary magazine. I submit my work every year, and every year I have had my work accepted. Yeah, I know, so what’s the problem? Well, at the risk of sounding very shallow, possibly bitter and just plain tasteless...I haven’t ever won a literary award for any of it. This is my last year as an undergrad and I was really hoping that I might win it this year, but alas it was not meant to be. Now don’t get me wrong here, It’s not that I think that I’m a better writer than anyone else, that’s really not it. Here’s what it actually is. I get my hopes up every year, thinking, hey maybe this stuff is better than last year, maybe someone will think it’s good enough for one of the awards. Then, I get notice that my work was accepted, so my hope continues to build. Then…the letter, “While your work was very nice blah blah blah…it didn’t make the cut for the really good stuff. You’re in the book, just not in the best of the book” I hate rejection. The fact of the matter is that every year that this has happened, I’ve had to agree with the people who have dished out the awards. I mean, I read the stuff that wins, and each year I find myself thinking, “Wow, this is really good. Why can’t I write like that?” And then the inevitable, “I suck.” follows. I’m being petty aren’t I? But I can’t pretend that it doesn’t mean something to me, because it does. Anyway, now I have to go through all the shit to talk myself back up to myself, you know the “you’re just misunderstood. No one appreciates you. You’ll be famous after you die, you’ll be a legacy. Just keep at it” talk. Well Fuck! I mean it. It sucks, I suck…but…someday people will read my work and then go, “Oh, she was such a freakin’ genius” I’m so misunderstood.

Oh by the way, here's the one they're publishing. The's a Cento...yep, I suck.

A Cento

Some nights I sleep with my dress on
In the garden of waters a spirit of stone.
The cool October night
Somewhere west of the black volcanoes.

I’ve seen people die of money.
Where the hell do these people come from?
Their fathers were surgeons and vice-presidents.
Their mothers were psychologists and counselors.

had I known how to play them
had I known how to let
them play me

A clock stitched from will,
chronologs which hours to kill
and take from seventy springs a score,
it only leaves me fifty more.

But you are inside your breathing now
as you were taught. Their faces twitch
turn red as stutterers. The astounded soul
hangs for a moment bodiless and simple

she pins her sleeve to the dead
my sleeve soaked by the automatic spray
God, I have been looking for you.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The Presentation

Nervousness, anticipation, excitement, curiosity…some of the things that I’m feeling about this coming Saturday. I’m going to Illinois to present a paper, that I wrote, at an undergrad conference. It’ll be my first time (I hope their gentle with me). I really have little, to no, idea what to expect. It’s a two day conference with people presenting on both Friday and Saturday. I’m in the very last session on Saturday, so I’m thinking that maybe not too many people will still be hanging around; however, there’s a reception that immediately follows so…anyone’s guess is as good as mine. I’m totally thrilled though that my work has been taken seriously enough to be included here. It’s very encouraging and it helps give me hope that my academic pursuit is not in vain. After all by the time all is said and done, I’ll be quickly approaching, if not already at, 50 years old by the time I get my PhD. It’s nice to feel that people are taking me seriously, you know?
Anyway…the paper…I’ve examined the plot line in Charles Dickens' Our Mutual Friend, that concerns Lizzie Hexam and Eugene Wrayburn. I argue that even though Lizzie ends up marrying Eugene, a step that would normally be seen as advancing oneself in society, she remains a willing subordinate to him. Basically, I’ve integrated Althusser’s theory of interpellation and Ideological State Apparatuses (ISAs) along with John Fisk’s theories on Cultural Studies and Naturalization to demonstrate that instead of leaving the subordinate position behind her when she marries, that the dominant/subordinate relationship just shifts from one of class structure to one of domestic structure. Obviously it goes into a lot more detail, but that’s the general argument. And…yea…it was accepted by the panel of the undergrad conference. I’m really very thrilled, when I found out about it I was jumping up and down. I think one of my professors believes that I am truly insane, oh well; he probably was on to me before this anyway. *chuckle chuckle*
So, this Friday I’m off. Wish me well because I am very nervous. It’s like “Yikes!” and “Yes!” at the same time. My professor who’s mentoring me for the presentation says that I’ll be fine. I believe her, really, no really I do. It’s still just that, whole in the back of one’s head thing. You know the one? The one that keeps questioning you quietly asking, “What if you make a fool of yourself?” You know; that one? I know it’s just nerves and that it’s normal to feel some apprehension before getting up in front of a group of people. I know that. I keep telling myself that. I’ll be fine…yes…yes…I’ll be fine. No negative thoughts here, nope, none at all. I’ll be just fine, uh huh. K then. Wish me luck.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

The Weekend

So I’ve decided to talk about my weekend get away; the one I promised to tell about. It was an adventure, a mystery, and an awakening of the soul. Oh, and it was a lot of fun too. So anyway, here’s how it all went down:
One of my very dearest friends sent me an email saying that she wanted me to go somewhere with her that weekend, that I was not allowed to say no, and that it was a surprise so she couldn’t give me any details about it. “Ok,” I said, “Let me see what I can do.” Absolutely not, no seeing about it, I have to go…period. “Ok” So I made the arrangements.
As the week progressed, anticipation built, several emails were exchanged. I pleaded “How am I supposed to know what to wear if I don’t know where we’re going?” The reply…”Wear something elegant yet casual, and layered as there will be several climate changes” Oh no…no curiosity here. My friend got a real kick out of the notion that here I was being taken somewhere where we could be “sacrificing goats for all you know…and you’re worried about what to wear.” What could I say but that, “Even sacrificial goats deserve an appropriately attired sacrifice.” Of course I still had no idea what to wear and my curiosity has doubled. I was talking about it to everyone, trying to get thoughts gathered that might help me make sense of my upcoming adventure. Never happened.
So the big day comes, I still have no idea where we’re going. I still have no idea what to wear (I brought like five outfits just to be safe) I get picked up at the house at about 7:30 Friday night, then after getting into the car I’m blindfolded. Yes, blindfolded. I was told by my friend that “I had to go through this too. It’s necessary to keep the destination a secret until after you though the ceremony.” So now I’m thinking…sacrificial goats? Hmmm. She then gets on her phone and calls someone to let them know that “I [my friend] have the victim” Oh this is getting more mysterious by the minute, and the adrenalin is staring to flow. Then the ultimate question…she asks me “Do you trust me?” Well, truth be told; I would trust her with my life and so…I did. Then the question was
“What if I took you to a BDSM hotel, would you tell R”
“Of course I would”
“You really would, wouldn’t you?”
“Ok, well we’re almost here. I have to call them again and let them know.”
Shortly after, I heard the distinct sound of gravel under the tires. I was certain we had left the main road and now… we were preparing to…what?...sacrifice goats?
She stopped the car and told me that she had to go and open the gate. Oh how the anticipation was building, my trust was really there, but of course I had to ask myself “what if?” but no…I do trust her and I know that no matter where we are or what (god only knows) she has planned, I’ll be fine.
It’s time to get out of the car. “Can I take the blindfold off now?”
“No! You trust me, right?”
“Ok then, there are people here who are going to help you get out of the car. You’re on solid ground, we’ll guide you”
Creaking door, cold metal stool, sensing the presence of others in close proximity to myself, Dead Can Dance playing in the background along with Alester Crowley speaking on the sacrifice…maybe it is a sacrifice.
“Ok, we’re going to take the blindfold off now. Are you ready?”“Yes” So many candles burning…I can’t see anything…
We’re in the garage of two of my other bestest friends J & A and everyone begins to laugh.
“What about the gravel road and the gate?”
She told me that she purposely drove on the edge of the road to through me off and the gate… just a ploy. She only got out of the car and messed with the mailbox for a minute. She’s too good.
It was great beginning to an even greater weekend. We all went to the grocery store and loaded up on junk food goodies and went back to J & A’s and pigged out while watching movies and talking. It was a slumber party.
The next morning we got up and cut and dyed my hair (BlueBlack). I like it a lot.
Then off we went to Chicago, but I was still kept in the dark about where we were going. Soon I found out that I was being taken to the Greenfield/Glenview (?) Conservatory. It was wonderful. We spent time going through all the different areas; the fern room was the best! I knew my friends had done this because I had been feeling so out of touch with nature. It was one of the most beautiful and sincere gestures that I have ever had the pleasure to witness, and I still can’t begin to thank them enough. I love them all!
After we left the conservatory we went out to the FlatTop Grill for dinner. That was also a bunch of fun. It’s set up similar to a buffet, but it’s Stir-Fry. You select the ingredients that you want and then they cook it up for you. You can make as many trips up as you want and they have a large variety of items, sauces, and toppings. And if you don’t know what you want or you’re afraid that you might not have something turn out to well, they have suggested recipes to try, and if it’s really bad then all you do is go up and make something else. It was great.
The adventure home was an adventure in itself as the weather had turned to an evil ice storm and the roads were pretty darn hazardous. But we made it and the weekend adventure was completed by our regular D & D session that was going on when I got home.
Two thumbs up. Things couldn’t have been nicer. And no dead goats J

Sunday, March 4, 2007

From Another Site

Hey All,

The following is a post from another site called "Brave Humans" I found this to be a most interesting idea and have chosen to participate. If you're interested Brian's post will explain everything you need to know about participating.

March 4th, 2007 by Brian
Recently Ann Coulter called John Edwards a faggot while addressing the Conservative Political Action Conference. Several prominent conservatives were in the audience, including Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney.
It’s Coulter, it’s offensive, and it’s not surprising.
It’s also not the point of my post today.
I mention the incident because it was brought to my attention through an e-mail from the Edwards campaign. (Honesty side-note: I’m not a Democrat, and I’m on the mailing list of several candidates of various persuasions.) They mentioned the incident, linked to the video clip, and then rallied the troops with this:
This is just a taste of the filth that the right-wing machine is gearing up to throw at us. And now that it’s begun, we have a choice: Do we sit back, or do we fight back?
I say we fight. Help us raise $100,000 in “Coulter Cash” this week to show every would-be Republican mouthpiece that their bigoted attacks will not intimidate this campaign.
And then I got really offended. What outraged me was not that they asked for money, but that they only asked for money. The Edwards campaign could have asked people to write Romney and ask whether he agrees with Coulter and accepts her support. They could have urged people to contact the CPAC and urge them to ensure Coulter isn’t invited to speak anymore. Instead, they simply said send us money. Don’t get involved. Let us handle it.
In the grand scheme of things, $100,000 is chump change. But for a Presidential hopeful even chump change is more valuable than, say, 30,000 bloggers. Apparently for all our efforts and discussions, BraveHumans and every other weblog on the planet isn’t worth the price of Starbuck’s coffee. Their attitude ticks me off, and yet I wonder if they might be right.
Which brings me to the real point of this post.
Rick at QuipSpot, Carol at My View of It and I have decided to try a little experiment. We want to see if we can gather 30,000 bloggers to act as a single voice for one moment in time. We want to see if such a thing is possible, and if so just how loud we can get. Think Horton Hears a Who.
Here is the proposal from Rick’s site:
Here’s how it works:
1. Send an email to with the subject: Yop!
2. In the body of the email list the name of your weblog, and the URL.
3. Your weblog will be added to the list of participating weblogs.
4. Tell your friends who blog about it, and urge them to send in their weblog as well.
5. When the list reaches 30,000, a date and a word will be listed on the page. On that date, every weblog on the list agrees to make a single post with the word as the title. The content of the post should be about what you want for the world, whatever that may be. The purpose is not to make a particular political statement, but simply to make a noise. If 30,000 weblogs all post the same unusual word, it WILL be heard.
Have you ever wanted to shout to the world? Here’s your chance.
Yes, I am asking for 30,000 e-mails. I will be checking that each site submitted is actually a weblog, and I will be adding the sites to the list by hand. I realize this is a profoundly crazy idea. I’m willing to put a great deal of effort into this because I truly want to see if such a thing is possible. If we succeed we will have demonstrated the profound power of grassroots blogging. If we fail then we will have demonstrated that blogging is still largely reactionary and driven from the top down. As the Edwards campaign demonstrates, politicians still fundamentally believe the latter. I would very much like to prove it is the former.
The 30,000 number was chosen because it represents the original number of citizens in a congressional district. On one hand it seems like such a large number. You may have heard about the 2000 bloggers website. We are looking for 15x that number. On the other hand, 30,000 is quite a small number. It represents about 1/20th of a modern congressional district. It is the tiniest fraction of the more than 57 million weblogs currently tracked by Technorati.
As I post this 10 bloggers have already signed on to this idea. I’m sure for a few of you reading this, I had you at Yop!
What about the rest of you? Why should you participate? Why should you get excited about this, write about this on your blog, and tell your MySpace friends or everyone in your MyBlogLog community?
I don’t know. I’ve told you why I want to do this. Rick and Carol have stated their reasons on their websites. Find your own reasons. What would you tell the world if you had the voice of 30,000 bloggers? What would you like it to achieve? The worst that can happen is we never reach 30,000. The best that can happen is we change the world.
Which outcome would you like?

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The Crows Have Landed

Yeah! I have crows! I saw them today in the back yard. Of course they were fighting off some of the other birds. I believe they were Starlings. It’s kind of funny though. Here I was struggling for my identity and sense of self and then… When I made up my mind to take charge, actually made an effort to be actively involved again with my spirituality, they showed up. Coincidence? You be the judge. I decided to clear my chakras, something I haven’t done for a while. I also purchased some meditation music that I used to use, but I had lost the CD. Now I have it again. Anyway, I also did a cleansing on the house and buried that cursed ring in some sea salt. The cursed ring is another story for another day, suffice to say, I no longer wear it, nor will I ever wear it again, I should have known better. So, here I am, all house cleansed and feeling better. My bestest friends took me away this past weekend for a long needed retreat. That is definitely a story I need to tell…so much fun and mystery, but most of all a much needed reminder that I have the most wonderful people in my life who love and care about me. This is a gift that when given should never be forgotten or taken for granted. Thank you my friends. I love you all dearly. So, all of this went on within the last two weeks. I felt as if I was able to reclaim a bit of me and this morning…CROWS! And to top it off, I think I did ok on my midterms today. This has been a short entry with lots of info that needs to be expanded on, but I must rush off, many things to do. I just wanted to write something since it had been a while, and try to catch people up at least somewhat. Now that midterms are over, I hope to have time to delve into the deeper aspects of my adventures soon.

Monday, February 12, 2007

The Connection Becomes Clearer

Well, the hawk has apparently come home to roost. I’ve been told by a very dear friend that I have, in fact, given up myself and submitted to living as the hawk deems fit. Hmm, not exactly what one wants to hear, but nonetheless, something I’ve been suspecting. It became very clear when a few days after my post on Sparrows, Hawks and Crows; I walked out in my back yard and saw the hawk proudly perched on my fence. I knew that nature was teaching me, it always does. Then, the confirmation within the material world; and here I am, no crow to call my own.
It’s so hard to get back on track though. I have no where, no where at all to go in this stinking city to reconnect. I can’t stand it; and on top of that I lose my ability to trust my judgment. I feel trapped, so how do I know whether the direction I chose is the right way? If I flee in the wrong direction, life could become even worse. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to letting life take its course. In fact, that’s how I live; but here in this case, I’m completely cut off from the energies of the natural world that normally allow me to remain in the proper flow no matter which way I choose. Is this all very confusing, sorry if it is. I know I sound nuts, but really, well…sometimes I guess I could be, but not here when it comes to this. I’ve been cut off before and believe me it’s not a pretty sight. Things go perpetually into a downward spiral. I guess I could operate on the logic of, if I take no action, I’ll be stuck forever…true; but what I want, and what I need, honestly, is to reconnect. I need to be back into the rhythms of nature. So there’s my dilemma. How do I reconnect when there’s no place around to reconnect with? I’m not exactly in a position to go somewhere else at the moment. I need my crow.
Ok, so I suppose upon proof reading what I wrote so far that there’s a message to myself coming through loud and clear here, “I knew that nature was teaching me.” I think this tells me that I’m not completely cut off right? I mean I must be getting something. I still have no place to go and dance naked under the moon. I still have no place to go and listen to the trees. I mean lets face it; I’d be in jail or the psyche ward in less than an hour if I tried something like that in the middle of this god/goddess forsaken city. With my increased awareness though comes an increased ability to alter the situation, right? I don’t want to give up my life that I’ve come to love. I don’t want to give up on those that I love. I need to go back though. I need to find myself and trust my direction like I used to and I don’t know if I can do that when the hawk is pulling so hard for a direction that seems completely unnatural to me. It doesn’t feel safe and my instinct tells me I’m flying into danger, but how can I just fly the other direction and leave the sparrows to their fate? I love the little birds, someone has to.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

Poetry Post

So, I mentioned that I would post some of my writing soon. Here are a couple pieces of poetry that I’ve done. The first one I began working on the other day. This is a first draft and so it will change, I’m quite sure, before the final revision. If anyone has some constructive criticism to offer, I’d love to hear from you. The second is a piece that I’m hoping to have published in the Analecta (Our college undergrad art magazine) this spring.

It’s All in a Dream

Car wreck
It didn’t want to fit
up over the curb
and through the trees
I need a jump

Jonny to my rescue
adoring his Christ image
poised for the crucifix
The gratitude his and mine
felacio on my knees

Over my head two hands
appear, two index fingers
strike their way in through
his nipples, sucking the pleasure,
The force of release from him

Flee, the threat has found you
Across the lacquered boards of the gym floor
Avoid the glass security cage
You fool. Bound over the ropes
Freedom awakes.

Labyrinth - (Our Club in Detroit)

Down the dark stairs into the
safety below; punks, rivet heads,
romantics, elder goths, technos,
industrials and fetish goths swirl
in a sea of black hair and
undulating bodies.

In the shadowed corners candle
wax molds itself to table tops.
Cigarettes spill over ashtrays
soaking up the liquor of half
empty glasses. Black glitter covered walls
dance to the beat of flickering light.

Essence is created in movement
as bodies coast through conversation,
minds benumbed by the sound that
each creature experiences
in their own way,
but comprehends
as an archetypal knowledge.

All know, that here is where they belong.
The existence of a familiar compassion
lingers in the air. The lies within the truth
are exemplified. Death and darkness, mourning for
man’s inhumanity to man are necessary if
we yearn for light.

A culture like no other, shedding intolerance
like old paint. Liberation is the manifestation
of the art,
and it is an art,
all of it.
Caressing the mind with lover’s hands
as the soil swaddles the seed
whispering to it - that it should grow.

Observe the dance as the soul masters
the elegance of gothic beauty
with no intrusion
into another body’s space
boys and ghouls develop into a faction
swallowing all in a corporeal transcendence.

Night lingers in every place but one -
where the glaring lights of the ghoul’s room
contracts the pupils. Instinctively
hands shield faces like vampires in the sun.
Gangs of Dresden Dolls
fix their black lips and eyes
at the reflecting station
because we do reflect. Despite the rumors.

The solace of affinity pulsates like
blood through the veins when you
return to the dark – a peaceful descent
to the tomb. Covenant’s “Deadstars” calls
the body and mind back
into the sanctuary –
where Carpe Mortem is branded
on everyone’s heart.

Friday, February 2, 2007

Blogs and the Weather - No Connection

So it has occurred to me that in my interests I mentioned that liked to write but I have yet to post anything that I’ve written in a creative type manor, such as poetry and the like. Well, I suppose I’ll post some of it soon enough, but for now I’m exploring the blog writing genre. Speaking of blog writers, I joined a group online call MyBlogLog, has anyone else heard of it? I think I like it, it gives stats about your blog; how many times it’s viewed, what was clicked on and other such details. It also allows you to build this sort of blog base of contacts which allows one to not only view other peoples' blogs, but also puts your info out there for more exposure (judging from the hits on my site so far, I hope it helps).
I still feel very inept however, when it comes to putting things up on either site. I’m definitely not a techie when it comes to this stuff, maybe I’ll figure it out eventually. I’d like to make this site a bit more visually stimulating. Any suggestions would surely be welcome. I’ve seen some really neat stuff on some people’s blogs. One thing though, I’ve never been big on coding so if you have suggestions, please keep it simple for me. I have enough things in my life to cause me stress without intentionally adding to it.

On a different note, it’s Ground Hog’s Day, yippie! Ok, it doesn’t really matter that much to me. In fact, the main reason I bring it up is because the news stated that Phil says that we will have any early Spring. I’m thinking we haven’t really had a winter, so…go figure. This is the first week since last winter that the temperature has fallen below zero, and this is an area where below zero temps are considered usual during winter. Global warming? I don’t know, but I do know that it’s unusual. It seems to me that the seasons have been shifting over the past several years. I mean that they seem to be falling behind schedule. Instead of having spring from March through May, we seem to have it now from April through June and so everything follows, which ends up pushing winter from December through February into January through March. Taking this into account winter has really just started and I would expect that it gets colder before it begins to get warmer. Maybe the calendar is off. Seriously. I remember that at one point they (who ever, they, were at the time) had to literally erase days from the calendar in order to keep it accurate. I think that was part of the reason why we switched from the one to the current. I can never remember which one was/is which; i.e. Georgian and Julian. I know we use one now and the other was used just prior to this one. Anyway, maybe we should adopt the Mayan calendar. In over 2000 years it’s only lost 4 days. I think that could be considered reliable. Until then I guess I’ll just have to keep a mental note that spring is really winter and summer is really spring, and fall is really summer, and summer is really fall, it’s all very confusing. My brain hurts, I’ll have to sort more of this out later.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Of Sparrows, Hawks and Crows

Ok, so I’ve been at home a lot this week. I’m sick again. I had an attack of Pleurisy a week and a half ago and well, I guess I pushed myself to hard, too soon, and here I am sick again. Feeling like I wish I could just die and get it over with. I lay around suffering, too dizzy in the head to be able to concentrate on anything other than a brainless drivel of DVDs. Reading Milton (my assignment for one of my classes) yeah, not happening. Every time I open the book the page goes all blurry on me. Just sitting here at the computer is giving me a headache, so why am I writing? Well, fate…destiny…just a really freaky life and death experience. I’m sure there’s a reason but for what I understand, it has to do with a hawk, a sparrow, and some crows.
I have a bird feeder in my back yard, it’s frequented by sparrows. They hang around all day long and despite the ally cats that stalk them now and then, they seem to be quite comfortable here. When I go out into the back yard they just fly over to the fence and wait until I’m out of the way before returning to the feeder. They seem to be used to me. There are also about four squirrels that have figured out how to get a free meal by hanging upside down from the fence and eating out of the little openings of the feeder, but I digress. I’ve been trying to draw some crows into the yard. At my old house I had a murder of crows that would sit right outside my bedroom window and wait for me to bring them food. They wouldn’t fly away from me either, they were really cool, of course when they got hungry at 6 in the morning and began cawing into my bedroom window it got a bit annoying, but for the most part I really enjoyed them. Anyway, I should probably note here that my totem has been the crow for a very long time now. If you don’t know what a totem is, then you may as well give it up now because the rest of this story probably won’t make much sense, so…Crow, my totem. About six years ago I met and fell in love with my current man, it was instantaneous, and I fell hard and fast, as I believe he did too. It’s actually a very romantic and not an every day type of story. Perhaps I’ll share it at some time, but not today. Today, we discuss sparrows, and crows, and hawks, right. Ok, so I had these beautiful crows that would frequent my abode (this is the one in the middle of the woods) and after my man moves in they stop hanging around as much. It wasn’t that he was doing anything to them, they just felt they had to keep there distance from him. Later I find out that his totem is the hawk, has been for many, many years. So, go figure, hawks and crows are enemies. Where one frequents the other avoids. I begin to suspect what happened to my crows. Time moves on, we move into the city, where of course, my man feels quite at home but where I struggle horribly to feel any sense of earth around me…hence, the bird feeder. So, as I said I’ve been trying to lure some crows into the yard, they roost during the winter months in an area not too far from here, but I have so far been unable to get them into the yard proper. Now the other day I spy a hawk in a tree in our front yard, yes a hawk, in the city, at the house where my man feels very comfortable and yes, where no crows will frequent. I think “Oh, pretty hawk” and I tell the kids to check it out. Even though I think crows are much cooler, I still admire the majesty of the hawk. Getting to the point here. The whole underlying totem and spiritual meanings and fate stuff is getting through, right? Ok, so today I’m looking out my kitchen window watching the sparrows feed. They’re busily flying back and forth from the chain link fence to the bird feeder. I’m watching several of them perched in the little holes of the chain link when, oh my god! These huge hawk wings appear out of no where and these hawk talons reach out and snatch a sparrow from the fence, just like that. Freakin wicked! Nature at its most real. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t hold any ill will against the hawk, he’s doing what hawks do and I understand that. The question is, where are the crows? Have they lost they’re ability to rule the roost? Do they no longer have domain because the hawk has nested? And what if the crows can be brought back around, what then? It seems odd that the crows were more at home in the woods and the hawk seems to be at home in the city, but as the man and woman is concerned the woods fit the woman and the city the man. I see a connection, I feel the earth singing to me, and I hear the totems telling me their tales. So what happens now? It seems to me that life has always opened itself up in this way. Nature has always spoken to me like this and I know there’s a story here for me, so I’ll watch my sparrows, and I’ll watch the hawk, and because I cannot be disconnected, I will continue to call back the crows and then, the story will unfold.

Friday, January 26, 2007

The Animal Connection

Well, I finally figured out how to get my picture up. I’ve been going crazy trying to use that “Hello” and “Picasa” stuff, following all the “help” suggestions and going completely insane in the process…but…I discovered that what works really well is just my own common sense, yep, I’m good *wink*
So, now that that’s out of the way, I feel like I may be able to write some, not that anyone is really going to see this stuff though, are they? I mean there doesn’t seem to be much feedback as of this moment; a whole 0 comments and all. That’s ok I guess, since the blog hasn’t been around that long. It would be nice though to see that change.
Did I mention that I’m a black cat magnet? I swear something is up with that. Everywhere I have ever lived, there are black cats drawn to my house. I love cats, don’t get me wrong here, and I love seeing the black cats frequent my yard. It just seems sort of odd that they always show up. Maybe they smell the two black cats I have indoors. But then again I had the whole black cat in the yard syndrome long before I had the black cats in the house thing going on. I guess that wouldn’t explain it then. Anyway, last night I looked out my kitchen window and saw two black cats slinking around in the back yard. I’ve seen them before but it’s just neat to watch them. They’re in their mode and completely oblivious that I’m seeing them. I watch as they trot up the cement stairs that leads to the ally gate. One stops and hutches up his back on top of his curled under legs. He just lays there for a moment comprehending that the gate is closed and he won’t be able to get through that way tonight. The other cat seems preoccupied with herself, she investigates the side of the garage, perhaps thinking that it would be a nice, warm place to spend the evening, but she passes the thought off quickly when the first cat suddenly springs and rushes back toward the front gate, the way they came in, as if he realized within a half of a second that, “Hey! There’s another out. I don’t have to sit and wait here all night” She rushes after him limping on her injured hind leg. I wish that I could comfort her. I’d like to be able to care for them, give them a home like my kitties have. Of course though, if I did that I’d become the infamous “cat lady”. I don’t know, it really sucks though. I feel for them, every now and then I’ll set food out for them; try to brighten their day. I want to return to them some of the joy and pleasure that they’ve given me, just by being. Ok…so sap time is over, and I should mention that I have a third cat he’s actually the eldest, but he’s not black, he’s an orange tabby and a complete cuddle bug. I just couldn’t go without mention of him too; and yes, I know that I’m well on my way to becoming the infamous “cat lady”, but I won’t be, not really. There are too many other animals to look after as well. I feed the birds, sparrows, crackles, and carrions (gotta love the crows), at my old house (in the woods) I also had 4 dogs, a family of raccoons that would come up to my back door and eat off the porch, a few opossums, several bats, some kind of web-footed, long-billed water bird that made the oddest sounds, more spiders than you could shake a stick at (what the hell does that mean anyway), and for a brief period a wolverine (seriously), it clawed its way through our metal shed, it was wicked. So, did I mention that I liked animals?

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Still Learning & Game Night

Ok, so I still haven't figured out how to load a picture into my profile, makes me feel rather dumb. I thought I followed all the directions, but it didn't work. Oh well, I'm tired of messing with it, so for now I'll do without.
Did you hear the latest? Hilary is running for president. Let me just say "Yes!" total excitement.
On a different note, our game went well last night (D&D). We have one here every Saturday, although there are actually 2 games; 1 is played 1 week , and the other on the off weekends. In the one we played last night I play a cleric of Chauntea (Forgotten Realms, think Mother Earth). I came out ok, however, we had to go and find a monastery for some of the other party members as their injuries were beyond my ability to heal. Our dwarf lost an arm due to undead Orc attack, and our halfling and Brauch (we haven't quite figured out what he is yet) were touched by a ghost and lost massive wisdom. I'm only a level 4 in this game so, yeah...healing on that scale, not happening. This game is also a very low money and low magic, so the challenges are, well, challenging.
The off night game rocks as well, but it's much different than this one. Although I'm playing a cleric in it too; which by the way, is actually really far off from my usual rouge characters, I'm a level 14 and the money and magic is actually quite interesting. I started off as a rouge in this game, but she got pregnant by a rouge pirate and after having the baby she retired, so enters the of Sharess (also Forgotten Realms, but this time think hookers and cats), ok maybe not quite hookers, but on a scale similar although she doesn't take money for services. Sharess is a goddess of sexual pleasure and believes everyone should experience pleasure whenever they opportunity is presented. She also likes cats, think Baste; Egyptian pantheon. Anyway, the story takes place in both Forgotten Realms and Ravenloft, the party has been jumped back and forth between the two, magically, and at very unpredictable moments. My character was born in Ravenloft (Borovia). My mother was also a cleric of Sharess from Sembia (Forgottem Realms) who ended up transported into Borovia and found herself pregnant after a night of "holy worship" by a traveling Vistani (Ravenloft, version of gypsies). So there I am in Borovia minding my own business when this party of adventurers shows up and sucks me into their world, taking me to Coramir (Forgotten Realms) and then suddenly transported back to Ravenloft, only we don't know it's Ravenloft, of course, because now instead of being in Borovia, we're in Paragon City, a sort of 19th century England with a Jack the Ripper type on the loose. Time will only tell.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

First Post

Ok, so obviously it's my first post. I'm just getting used to things here and I really don't have a lot to say at the moment. I'm reasonably sure that will change. My posting will, most likely, be erratic, not just due to time restraints, but because sometimes I just don't feel like sharing. When I do, however, the thoughts will flow and it will be difficult to shut me up. Lucky for you, all you have to do is leave the page. I, on the other hand, am stuck with my brain so the thoughts that are my mind never seem to stop. Good thing I don't mind listening to myself.