Crossroads

So here I am at a junction of life again. Technically I’ve graduated this semester (still have finals to take), but I postponed my “actual” graduation until August so that I could finish a research project I started (not necessary for my degree). Here’s the catch; I didn’t get the grant money that I was hoping for which means I can’t really afford to do the project now. All in all, what this breaks down to is this:
The life I thought I would be living this summer turns out, that I won’t be living it (most likely). The original plan was for me to keep my part time research job, get the grant, do research and have lots of time this summer to spend with the kids. I haven’t had the time available like I would have liked to have because of full time school, part time job, and a household to run so…I was really looking forward to have the summer with the kids before I had to go find a full time job.
Now, R is still looking for work (which means the only income we’ve been living on is my measly part time salary). He is eligible for unemployment but due to technical red tape it has been held up, possibly for another 7 weeks. He has said that if he gets a job soon that he wouldn’t mind me keeping the part time job I have and then also having the time to be with the kids this summer. That would be wonderful but….there’s always a but. Without some other income (job, unemployment, something) we’re screwed so…
Here I am at a crossroads trying to decide which way to go. If I take a full time job it means I have to give up the part time one, and goodbye summer. If I hold out and hope that R gets a job, or his unemployment comes through and neither happens, we’re screwed, So…I just don’t know. I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing what’s going to happen. I always have goals and plans, and the like; but now I’m just left hanging in the air.
I could put my resume out there and then turn down a job if things come through for R, but I hate to think of doing that because I may end up turning down something that might turn out to be a really good thing. I don’t know. I guess I’m venting. Anyway…I think I’m done now. I still have two weeks to finish up papers and finals so I guess I’ll cross the bridge when I come to it.