Wednesday, March 28, 2007


I guess I'm feeling a bit dark today. This was off the top of my head, maybe I'll work on it, maybe I won't:


And God said Let the earth reign
And mankind grew to hatred, bitterness, and lust
And God said Let Heaven reign
And mankind killed one another
In the name of the righteous

And God said What is this form that I have created
And mankind answered, We are void, from the void we came
And to the void we will return
And God said Why have I created this form
And mankind said To give us domination over all things
And God said Why have I created this Heaven
And mankind said So that you have a place to hide from mankind

And God said What will you do with this domain
And mankind answered We will destroy all that is precious to us,
All that will give our lives meaning and purpose
And God said Why did I not destroy this creation wholly
And mankind said Because we are God and we would not
Let you do so

And God said I will abandon this earth to its own destruction
And mankind reveled in its glory
And God retreated to his Heaven and hid there for all eternity
And mankind said This is good we are free
And mankind found fear in death and so recreated God
In mankind’s own image

And mankind’s God said I will destroy
All that mankind has befouled
And mankind’s God destroyed his own image
And mankind said Why can’t we touch God
And God said Because what you have created is false
And mankind said Is it too late
And God said mankind has chosen its own course
Therefore the answer can only be found in mankind
And Mankind said We care not to think on it any longer.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Maybe I Don’t Suck

Ok, so maybe I don’t suck after all. Life is such a ride, I swear. I got a letter in the mail this weekend. I’ve been nominated for the English Excellence Award, yippie. This is an award given by the English Department here at IUSB. Each year the department selects one senior who they feel has excelled academically and honors them with this award. I’m very glad that I’m being considered for this; it really helps my fragile ego at the moment. Alright my ego’s not quite as fragile as I make it out to be but, hey let’s face it, rejection really does suck.
Now, if I can get this summer fellowship that I’ve applied for, I’ll be sitting in daisies. I won’t know until April 9th whether I got it or not but if I do get it, I’ll be able to spend the summer working on a research project while getting paid to do it; which means I won’t have to seek out a full time job doing something else this summer while still trying to complete the project anyway, without funding. Please keep the fingers crossed.
Well, I guess this is a rather short entry, comparatively, but I just wanted to get that out since my last post felt so negative. For now, I must go and discuss Manley’s New Atalantis, that is right after I get something to eat.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

I Suck

Do you have these moments when you think to yourself, “I can’t write”? I mean seriously, it’s like, everything that comes out of my brain and onto the paper sucks. I think I’m having a crisis; it usually comes about this time of year. I blame our school literary magazine. I submit my work every year, and every year I have had my work accepted. Yeah, I know, so what’s the problem? Well, at the risk of sounding very shallow, possibly bitter and just plain tasteless...I haven’t ever won a literary award for any of it. This is my last year as an undergrad and I was really hoping that I might win it this year, but alas it was not meant to be. Now don’t get me wrong here, It’s not that I think that I’m a better writer than anyone else, that’s really not it. Here’s what it actually is. I get my hopes up every year, thinking, hey maybe this stuff is better than last year, maybe someone will think it’s good enough for one of the awards. Then, I get notice that my work was accepted, so my hope continues to build. Then…the letter, “While your work was very nice blah blah blah…it didn’t make the cut for the really good stuff. You’re in the book, just not in the best of the book” I hate rejection. The fact of the matter is that every year that this has happened, I’ve had to agree with the people who have dished out the awards. I mean, I read the stuff that wins, and each year I find myself thinking, “Wow, this is really good. Why can’t I write like that?” And then the inevitable, “I suck.” follows. I’m being petty aren’t I? But I can’t pretend that it doesn’t mean something to me, because it does. Anyway, now I have to go through all the shit to talk myself back up to myself, you know the “you’re just misunderstood. No one appreciates you. You’ll be famous after you die, you’ll be a legacy. Just keep at it” talk. Well Fuck! I mean it. It sucks, I suck…but…someday people will read my work and then go, “Oh, she was such a freakin’ genius” I’m so misunderstood.

Oh by the way, here's the one they're publishing. The's a Cento...yep, I suck.

A Cento

Some nights I sleep with my dress on
In the garden of waters a spirit of stone.
The cool October night
Somewhere west of the black volcanoes.

I’ve seen people die of money.
Where the hell do these people come from?
Their fathers were surgeons and vice-presidents.
Their mothers were psychologists and counselors.

had I known how to play them
had I known how to let
them play me

A clock stitched from will,
chronologs which hours to kill
and take from seventy springs a score,
it only leaves me fifty more.

But you are inside your breathing now
as you were taught. Their faces twitch
turn red as stutterers. The astounded soul
hangs for a moment bodiless and simple

she pins her sleeve to the dead
my sleeve soaked by the automatic spray
God, I have been looking for you.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The Presentation

Nervousness, anticipation, excitement, curiosity…some of the things that I’m feeling about this coming Saturday. I’m going to Illinois to present a paper, that I wrote, at an undergrad conference. It’ll be my first time (I hope their gentle with me). I really have little, to no, idea what to expect. It’s a two day conference with people presenting on both Friday and Saturday. I’m in the very last session on Saturday, so I’m thinking that maybe not too many people will still be hanging around; however, there’s a reception that immediately follows so…anyone’s guess is as good as mine. I’m totally thrilled though that my work has been taken seriously enough to be included here. It’s very encouraging and it helps give me hope that my academic pursuit is not in vain. After all by the time all is said and done, I’ll be quickly approaching, if not already at, 50 years old by the time I get my PhD. It’s nice to feel that people are taking me seriously, you know?
Anyway…the paper…I’ve examined the plot line in Charles Dickens' Our Mutual Friend, that concerns Lizzie Hexam and Eugene Wrayburn. I argue that even though Lizzie ends up marrying Eugene, a step that would normally be seen as advancing oneself in society, she remains a willing subordinate to him. Basically, I’ve integrated Althusser’s theory of interpellation and Ideological State Apparatuses (ISAs) along with John Fisk’s theories on Cultural Studies and Naturalization to demonstrate that instead of leaving the subordinate position behind her when she marries, that the dominant/subordinate relationship just shifts from one of class structure to one of domestic structure. Obviously it goes into a lot more detail, but that’s the general argument. And…yea…it was accepted by the panel of the undergrad conference. I’m really very thrilled, when I found out about it I was jumping up and down. I think one of my professors believes that I am truly insane, oh well; he probably was on to me before this anyway. *chuckle chuckle*
So, this Friday I’m off. Wish me well because I am very nervous. It’s like “Yikes!” and “Yes!” at the same time. My professor who’s mentoring me for the presentation says that I’ll be fine. I believe her, really, no really I do. It’s still just that, whole in the back of one’s head thing. You know the one? The one that keeps questioning you quietly asking, “What if you make a fool of yourself?” You know; that one? I know it’s just nerves and that it’s normal to feel some apprehension before getting up in front of a group of people. I know that. I keep telling myself that. I’ll be fine…yes…yes…I’ll be fine. No negative thoughts here, nope, none at all. I’ll be just fine, uh huh. K then. Wish me luck.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

The Weekend

So I’ve decided to talk about my weekend get away; the one I promised to tell about. It was an adventure, a mystery, and an awakening of the soul. Oh, and it was a lot of fun too. So anyway, here’s how it all went down:
One of my very dearest friends sent me an email saying that she wanted me to go somewhere with her that weekend, that I was not allowed to say no, and that it was a surprise so she couldn’t give me any details about it. “Ok,” I said, “Let me see what I can do.” Absolutely not, no seeing about it, I have to go…period. “Ok” So I made the arrangements.
As the week progressed, anticipation built, several emails were exchanged. I pleaded “How am I supposed to know what to wear if I don’t know where we’re going?” The reply…”Wear something elegant yet casual, and layered as there will be several climate changes” Oh no…no curiosity here. My friend got a real kick out of the notion that here I was being taken somewhere where we could be “sacrificing goats for all you know…and you’re worried about what to wear.” What could I say but that, “Even sacrificial goats deserve an appropriately attired sacrifice.” Of course I still had no idea what to wear and my curiosity has doubled. I was talking about it to everyone, trying to get thoughts gathered that might help me make sense of my upcoming adventure. Never happened.
So the big day comes, I still have no idea where we’re going. I still have no idea what to wear (I brought like five outfits just to be safe) I get picked up at the house at about 7:30 Friday night, then after getting into the car I’m blindfolded. Yes, blindfolded. I was told by my friend that “I had to go through this too. It’s necessary to keep the destination a secret until after you though the ceremony.” So now I’m thinking…sacrificial goats? Hmmm. She then gets on her phone and calls someone to let them know that “I [my friend] have the victim” Oh this is getting more mysterious by the minute, and the adrenalin is staring to flow. Then the ultimate question…she asks me “Do you trust me?” Well, truth be told; I would trust her with my life and so…I did. Then the question was
“What if I took you to a BDSM hotel, would you tell R”
“Of course I would”
“You really would, wouldn’t you?”
“Ok, well we’re almost here. I have to call them again and let them know.”
Shortly after, I heard the distinct sound of gravel under the tires. I was certain we had left the main road and now… we were preparing to…what?...sacrifice goats?
She stopped the car and told me that she had to go and open the gate. Oh how the anticipation was building, my trust was really there, but of course I had to ask myself “what if?” but no…I do trust her and I know that no matter where we are or what (god only knows) she has planned, I’ll be fine.
It’s time to get out of the car. “Can I take the blindfold off now?”
“No! You trust me, right?”
“Ok then, there are people here who are going to help you get out of the car. You’re on solid ground, we’ll guide you”
Creaking door, cold metal stool, sensing the presence of others in close proximity to myself, Dead Can Dance playing in the background along with Alester Crowley speaking on the sacrifice…maybe it is a sacrifice.
“Ok, we’re going to take the blindfold off now. Are you ready?”“Yes” So many candles burning…I can’t see anything…
We’re in the garage of two of my other bestest friends J & A and everyone begins to laugh.
“What about the gravel road and the gate?”
She told me that she purposely drove on the edge of the road to through me off and the gate… just a ploy. She only got out of the car and messed with the mailbox for a minute. She’s too good.
It was great beginning to an even greater weekend. We all went to the grocery store and loaded up on junk food goodies and went back to J & A’s and pigged out while watching movies and talking. It was a slumber party.
The next morning we got up and cut and dyed my hair (BlueBlack). I like it a lot.
Then off we went to Chicago, but I was still kept in the dark about where we were going. Soon I found out that I was being taken to the Greenfield/Glenview (?) Conservatory. It was wonderful. We spent time going through all the different areas; the fern room was the best! I knew my friends had done this because I had been feeling so out of touch with nature. It was one of the most beautiful and sincere gestures that I have ever had the pleasure to witness, and I still can’t begin to thank them enough. I love them all!
After we left the conservatory we went out to the FlatTop Grill for dinner. That was also a bunch of fun. It’s set up similar to a buffet, but it’s Stir-Fry. You select the ingredients that you want and then they cook it up for you. You can make as many trips up as you want and they have a large variety of items, sauces, and toppings. And if you don’t know what you want or you’re afraid that you might not have something turn out to well, they have suggested recipes to try, and if it’s really bad then all you do is go up and make something else. It was great.
The adventure home was an adventure in itself as the weather had turned to an evil ice storm and the roads were pretty darn hazardous. But we made it and the weekend adventure was completed by our regular D & D session that was going on when I got home.
Two thumbs up. Things couldn’t have been nicer. And no dead goats J

Sunday, March 4, 2007

From Another Site

Hey All,

The following is a post from another site called "Brave Humans" I found this to be a most interesting idea and have chosen to participate. If you're interested Brian's post will explain everything you need to know about participating.

March 4th, 2007 by Brian
Recently Ann Coulter called John Edwards a faggot while addressing the Conservative Political Action Conference. Several prominent conservatives were in the audience, including Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney.
It’s Coulter, it’s offensive, and it’s not surprising.
It’s also not the point of my post today.
I mention the incident because it was brought to my attention through an e-mail from the Edwards campaign. (Honesty side-note: I’m not a Democrat, and I’m on the mailing list of several candidates of various persuasions.) They mentioned the incident, linked to the video clip, and then rallied the troops with this:
This is just a taste of the filth that the right-wing machine is gearing up to throw at us. And now that it’s begun, we have a choice: Do we sit back, or do we fight back?
I say we fight. Help us raise $100,000 in “Coulter Cash” this week to show every would-be Republican mouthpiece that their bigoted attacks will not intimidate this campaign.
And then I got really offended. What outraged me was not that they asked for money, but that they only asked for money. The Edwards campaign could have asked people to write Romney and ask whether he agrees with Coulter and accepts her support. They could have urged people to contact the CPAC and urge them to ensure Coulter isn’t invited to speak anymore. Instead, they simply said send us money. Don’t get involved. Let us handle it.
In the grand scheme of things, $100,000 is chump change. But for a Presidential hopeful even chump change is more valuable than, say, 30,000 bloggers. Apparently for all our efforts and discussions, BraveHumans and every other weblog on the planet isn’t worth the price of Starbuck’s coffee. Their attitude ticks me off, and yet I wonder if they might be right.
Which brings me to the real point of this post.
Rick at QuipSpot, Carol at My View of It and I have decided to try a little experiment. We want to see if we can gather 30,000 bloggers to act as a single voice for one moment in time. We want to see if such a thing is possible, and if so just how loud we can get. Think Horton Hears a Who.
Here is the proposal from Rick’s site:
Here’s how it works:
1. Send an email to with the subject: Yop!
2. In the body of the email list the name of your weblog, and the URL.
3. Your weblog will be added to the list of participating weblogs.
4. Tell your friends who blog about it, and urge them to send in their weblog as well.
5. When the list reaches 30,000, a date and a word will be listed on the page. On that date, every weblog on the list agrees to make a single post with the word as the title. The content of the post should be about what you want for the world, whatever that may be. The purpose is not to make a particular political statement, but simply to make a noise. If 30,000 weblogs all post the same unusual word, it WILL be heard.
Have you ever wanted to shout to the world? Here’s your chance.
Yes, I am asking for 30,000 e-mails. I will be checking that each site submitted is actually a weblog, and I will be adding the sites to the list by hand. I realize this is a profoundly crazy idea. I’m willing to put a great deal of effort into this because I truly want to see if such a thing is possible. If we succeed we will have demonstrated the profound power of grassroots blogging. If we fail then we will have demonstrated that blogging is still largely reactionary and driven from the top down. As the Edwards campaign demonstrates, politicians still fundamentally believe the latter. I would very much like to prove it is the former.
The 30,000 number was chosen because it represents the original number of citizens in a congressional district. On one hand it seems like such a large number. You may have heard about the 2000 bloggers website. We are looking for 15x that number. On the other hand, 30,000 is quite a small number. It represents about 1/20th of a modern congressional district. It is the tiniest fraction of the more than 57 million weblogs currently tracked by Technorati.
As I post this 10 bloggers have already signed on to this idea. I’m sure for a few of you reading this, I had you at Yop!
What about the rest of you? Why should you participate? Why should you get excited about this, write about this on your blog, and tell your MySpace friends or everyone in your MyBlogLog community?
I don’t know. I’ve told you why I want to do this. Rick and Carol have stated their reasons on their websites. Find your own reasons. What would you tell the world if you had the voice of 30,000 bloggers? What would you like it to achieve? The worst that can happen is we never reach 30,000. The best that can happen is we change the world.
Which outcome would you like?